bJ 

2121 
.B7 



THE 

ART OF CONVERSATION, 

GIVING 

lints, Inggfstinns nun Hubs 

FOR 

CULTIVATING AND PROMOTING PLEASANT 
SOCIAL INTERCOURSE. 



ROGER BOSWELL. 

1537 '.. 

""'Of' 



1° LONDON: 
CASSELL, PETTEE AND GALPIN, 

BELLE SAUVAGE YARD. LUDGATE HILL. 



1867. 



LONDON : 
CASSELL, PETTER AND GALP1N, 
LUDGATE HIL 



PREFACE. 



Coxyeb satio:n" forms so large and so important a 
part of our lives, that some kind of guide or manual 
on the subject can scarcely fail to be useful. 

Our greatest writers on common life, Bacon, Swift, 
Johnson, Chesterfield, Pope, Cowper, the British 
Essayists, and more modern authorities, such as the 
Quarterly and other Reviews, have, by their remarks, 
and their many hints and suggestions, shewn their 
high appreciation of the value of conversation, their 
sense of the frequent errors committed in it, and of 
the necessity for some care and study to enable us 
to conduct it with taste, propriety and advantage. 
In this, as in every thing else we do, innumerable 
faults occur, from which much enjoyment and many 
opportunities of instruction and improvement are 
lost ; while, very often, bad feeling is created. No 
apology seems necessary, therefore, for an endea- 
vour to set forth, in a brief, yet systematic form, a 
few rules and suggestions, which, if attended to, 



vi 



PREFACE. 



may, at least, point out what to avoid, and assist in 
rendering conversation pleasant and harmonious. 
In the absence, so far as the author knows, of any 
popular work specially devoted to the Art of Talk, 
he ventures to submit the following, which he hopes 
may prove of service not only to the young, who 
should cultivate the graces of conversation for pur- 
poses of their own advancement and the uses of 
society, but also to many of maturer years by whom 
the various matters suggested in this small volume 
are too frequently overlooked or disregarded. 

E. B. 

June, 1867. 



CONTENTS. 



PAGE 



Introductory 9 

Necessity for Studying the Art 13 

Hints on Conversation — 16 

Previous Preparation . . . . . . 17 

Caution and Good Humour 20 

Do as you would be done by 4/ . . . . 23 

Proper Objects of Conversation . . . . 23 

Material for Conversation . . . . . 24 

Talking too much 31 

Talking on every Subject 34 

Uninteresting Talk 34 

Xot attending to People 35 

Interrupting 36 

Contradicting 36 

• Seldom Argue 37 

A Gracious Manner 40 

Being Positive, Dogmatic 42 

Obtruding Opinions 45 

Ridicule, Scandal 46 

Look, Tone, Manner 47 

Affectation .... 3 ... 47 

Deference 48 

Subjects to be avoided 49 

Conversational Style • . . . . . 49 



Vlll 

Conversational Bores- 
The Bear 
The Bully 
The Differential 
The Jabberer 
The Proser 
The Rigmarole 
The Punster . 
The Joker 
The Monotone 
The Egotist . 
The Self-Seeker 
The Exclusive 
The Mute 

Conclusion 



CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

50 

50 

52 

54 

. . . . . . 58 

. . . 60 

61 

. ' . . . 62 
63 

64 

64 

65 

66 

68 

. . . . . 71 



THE AET OF COXVEBSATION. 



INTRODUCTORY. 

It is unnecessary to expatiate on the uses, advantages, and 
pleasures of conversation. These are obvious, and are 
universally felt and admitted. Conversation renders 
lightsome and pleasant the intervals of rest from the 
fatigues and cares of business, that would otherwise hang 
heavy on our hands, and be rather a burden than a relief 
to us. We are comforted and gladdened by the kindly 
glance, the winning smile, the friendly tone, the joyous 
laugh, the sympathy and encouragement of our fellow- 
creatures. Accounts of mutual friends in whom we are 
interested, the news of the day, anecdote, narrative, 
curious traits of character, sallies of wit, humour, or 
sprightliness, jest and repartee, with occasional useful 
information acquired, and discussion of a solid and im- 
proving character, supply a mental cordial that " cheers 
but not inebriates," and makes the time fly quickly and 
agreeably. 

To numbers conversation is, in truth, a most valuable 
medicine, preventing the mind from preying on itself, and 
distracting the thoughts from unnecessary brooding over 
cares, troubles and anxieties. By the interchange of our 
several stores of knowledge, varying according to our 
tastes and opportunities, we mutually instruct and are 
instructed. The friendly conflict of mind with mind 

B 



10 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



sharpens our faculties, expands our views, corrects our 
crude notions and prejudices, enlightens us, and excites 
thought by the new ideas, new aspects of things, and fresh 
material for mental action which are brought before us. 
All this is obtained without cost, without trouble. Con- 
versation is truly the balm of life. Like mercy, it is twice 
blessed — it blesses him who gives and him who receives, 
and is one of the most beneficent products of civilisation. 
Every one's experience must have taught him that plea- 
sant intercourse with others in conversation is one of the 
greatest and best of the enjoyments within the reach of 
civilised man. 

Yet how often does it happen that conversational 
intercourse is anything but pleasant ; that it does not 
amuse, interest, instruct, or gratify us, but fatigues or 
displeases us ; that we come from it wearied, disappointed, 
irritated, out of humour with ourselves or others, often 
with both ! Upwards of a hundred years ago one of the 
British essayists declared roundly that the conversation 
of most men is disagreeable, while another complains that 
the company of half mankind is rather tedious than 
amusing. Dean Swift speaks of his " indignation to re- 
flect that so useful and so innocent a pleasure, so fitted 
for every period and condition of life, and so much in all 
men's power, should be so much neglected and abused." 
A Quarterly Reviewer remarks — " We feel intensely the 
social misery which a single Bore, with a powerful memory 
and a fluent tongue, can inflict on a large and respectable 
private circle." Every one has had ample experience of 
social intercourse, from which he had anticipated much 
enjoyment, yielding only disappointment or disgust — of 
conversations which he expected to be cheerful, har- 
monious and agreeable, proving unpleasant, discordant 
and jarring. Nay, further, at times we fall in with people 
whose chief aim in conversation appears to be to render 
themselves disagreeable and the company uncomfort- 
able. 



INTRODUCTORY. 



11 



We might suppose that when a number of persons, 
having escaped for a time from the cares, troubles, and 
irritations of business, meet together for relaxation, and 
to enjoy each other's society, we should have a sort of 
social Paradise, each doing his best to please and entertain 
the others. But we know that not unfrequently, though 
under the mask of a formal politeness, a social meeting 
turns out a kind of Pandemonium, where " envy, hatred, 
malice, and all uncharitableness " are engendered and 
exhibited — where intolerable pride, arrogance, spite, con- 
ceit, scandal, bearishness, loquacity, pugnacity, silliness, 
selfishness, egotism, and crotchetiness,meet to have a "field 
day." At other times, an intolerable dulness pervades 
the conversation ; people will neither speak themselves nor 
show the interest and attention necessary to encourage 
others ; each ventures only on vague, empty generalities, 
coldly received by the rest ; the company seem at once 
jealous and afraid of each other, and, instead of an enjoy- 
ment, the social meeting becomes an oppression, and we 
breathe freely and rejoice when it comes to an end. Or, 
we are fatigued by some dull, heavy proser, who will talk ; 
or by some voluble chatterbox, who cannot be quiet a 
moment ; or annoyed by some snappishness, or bearish- 
ness, that creates an unpleasant feeling. The number of 
rude, disagreeable, inconsiderate things said in conversa- 
tion is, indeed, extraordinary ; and that not only by the 
young and inexperienced, but by persons of maturer years, 
who have had the best opportunities for being u well- 
bred." 

Pride and selfishness — two leading elements in human 
nature — play a prominent part in conversation, leading to 
many foolish and unamiable exhibitions of ourselves, and 
to disregard of the feelings, tastes, wishes and rights of 
others. The prime object of many in conversation is to 
elevate themselves and exhibit their superiority over 
others — to show their cleverness, wisdom, information, 
high position, influence, wealth, grandeur, and great 



12 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



general importance. But this is not all : some are posi- 
tively mischievous and malignant, take deliberate pleasure 
in 'annoying and mortifying others, and are especially 
gratified when they can let any one see that they look 
down upon him — that they consider him beneath them. 
Others, without being malicious, are pugnacious, and, 
having no other field of action in these peaceful times, go 
into company to work off their pugnacity. Numbers talk 
too much, having such an itch for speaking that they will 
rather say any silly thing than be silent and let others 
speak ; while there are a few who can with difficulty be 
got to talk at all. In conversation, as in life, there is 
much tyranny, the strong and unscrupulous invariably 
overpowering the weak and retiring ; hence the necessity 
for something like a code of well-understood rules to 
protect the weak from such oppression, just as laws are 
required in national and social communities for a similar 
purpose. 



13 



THE NECESSITY FOR STUDYING THE ART. 

Ln'depexdextly of the desirableness of rendering con- 
versation — from which we anticipate, and should derive, 
so much of our happiness — as pleasant, instructive, and 
useful as possible, there is another consideration which 
should lead all, especially the young, to study carefully ' 
the exercise of the art — this is, the effect our behaviour in 
conversation may have on our interests : no doubt, a view 
of the subject connected with an inferior class of motives, 
but still too important to be altogether passed over. 

The influence on our welfare of what passes in con- 
versation, even in the most easy and careless discourse, is 
much underrated, often never thought of at all. Yet 
what we say, and how we say it, are really matters of the 
utmost importance, especially to young persons who have 
to make their way in the world. In mingling in conver- 
sation in society we come under the observation of num- 
bers whose influence on our future condition may be great. 
We not only desire to enjoy ourselves for the present, but 
if we have common sense, we should wish to impress with 
a favourable opinion of us those we meet. They may 
contribute to our present or future enjoyment, or be of 
advantage to us in some way, or it may be, they may do 
us an ill turn, if they are so inclined. As Christians and ' 
as gentlemen, we should be courteous and conciliatory to 
all ; and the same line of conduct is urged by considera- 
tions of a more selfish and worldly character, which, with- 
out laying too much stress upon them, should not be 
altogether neglected. One under the influence of the 
higher class of motives will act rightly, without reference 
to motives of an inferior class ; the latter alone operate 
upon certain natures, and should be brought under their 
notice. 

A tree is judged by its fruit. What we say, and how 



14 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



we say it, are the conjoint product of our information, in- 
tellect and disposition, and people judge of us on these 
vital points from the words to which we give utterance, 
and the manner in which we utter them. 

It may seem unnecessary to dwell upon the importance 
of acquiring the love and good opinion of those we meet. 
But though we may be quite sensible of this, admit it 
fully when put to us, and even act upon it generally, all 
are apt to forget it at times, and, it may be, thoughtlessly 
and without intending it, to offend and excite ill-will. 
Without referring to the case of any who deliberately 
design to wound and inflict pain (for there are some who 
take a pleasure in this), we yet do so unintentionally from 
a variety of causes. We desire to talk, to show off, to be 
foremost ; we push others aside in a cavalier way, or inter- 
rupt or contradict them brusquely. In the hurry and 
excitement of conversation, we are often tempted to say 
sharp things that we think clever, to exhibit our superior 
wisdom or information, in a harsh peremptory manner. 
We are apt to express ourselves impatiently when opposed, 
to show contempt for notions that we consider weak or 
foolish, to put people down in an imperious, dogmatic 
style, to pooh-pooh in a scoffing way opinions that differ 
from our own. Many a one has made an enemy by a 
careless word or look, exhibiting contemptuous indiffer- 
ence or disrespect ; not that any one is to be at all justi- 
fied in so lightly taking up a violent prejudice against 
another for a rash, hasty word ; but the undoubted fact 
is that people do so, and we must take mankind as they 
are, not as they ought to be. 

By a fine instinct, in which few are deficient, we are on 
our guard in our behaviour towards clever, rich, or in- 
fluential persons, and treat them with much courtesy, 
deference and respect : that is, persons whom it is an 
honour to reckon among our friends, who may promote 
our interests, who give good dinners, or invitations to 
pleasant country seats, or even the Bear and the Bully, 



THE NECESSITY OF STUDYING THE ART. 15 

whom we desire to propitiate, whose hostility we depre- ' 
cate. 

On the other hand, we are very apt to neglect or slight 
those whom we consider to be without talents, wealth or 
influence— in short, nobodies. This is the greatest mis- 
take. In the first place it is selfish, ungracious, unkind, 
unchristian. These unfortunate nobodies, though deficient 
in the qualities that usually attract — wealth, station, 
talents, good looks — have feelings, and deserve our kind 
consideration, all the more in being unable of themselves 
to excite admiration or interest. They are often suffi- 
ciently conscious of their insignificance, inferiority, and 
general disadvantages, and it is cruel and ungenerous to 
add to their mortification by slights that might be spared. 
A truly Christian and unselfish spirit would lead us at r 
times to be at a little trouble to notice and entertain such 
nobodies, instead of shrinking from them, grudging every 
moment we are obliged to spend with them, and ever 
greedily running after those who entertain us, or do us 
honour by their notice, or reward us — that is, who pay 
us in some way for the attention we give them. There is 
a mercenary spirit in this. It is often sickening in society 
to see the general rush after the "somebody," and the 
general rush from the " nobody," all so keen to get, and so 
unwilling to give, unless sure of a return. In social inter- 
course, as in trade, we are anxious for a good per-centage 
on what we lay out. This is human nature, but rather 
an unamiable part of our humanity, that a generous spirit 
would endeavour to keep in check. 

Besides being a wrong it is a blunder, a short-sighted 
selfishness. We can never be certain that a present no- 
body is always to remain so. Remember the fable of the 
u Lion and the Mouse." The most insignificant person in 
the world may have it in his power to aid us or to injure 
us — may, in the odd turns of life, be able to be of great 
service to us ; this he can hardly be expected to do, if we 
have slighted him, or in any marked way neglected him. 



16 THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 

However ungenerous or like savages it may be, nothing is 
more certain than that the great majority of people take 
revenge, when they can get an opportunity, even after a 
long lapse of years from the giving of the offence. Re- 
venge, says Bryon, is sweet, especially to women. He 
- might have added, had it suited his rhyme, • that the sons 
of women are somewhat given to the enjoyment of this 
luxury. A prudent person will view every one he meets 
as a possible friend or possible foe, and so far as he can 
without any degrading cringing, will endeavour to secure 
him as the former, to avoid doing or saying anything that 
may turn him into the latter. Of course, much better 
motives can be suggested for being kind, courteous, affable 
to all whom we meet, even to dull, insignificant persons, 
than a prudential regard for our own interests. There 
are numbers to whom it is useful to keep both kinds of 
motives in view.* 

These considerations, which are, in reality, a sort of 
A, B, C of social intercourse, are yet repeatedly neglected 
or forgotten, especially by the young and inexperienced, 
in their ignorance of the world, and too great confidence 
in their own strength — two rocks ahead, against which the 
young should ever be on their guard. 

HINTS FOR TALKERS. 

We shall now proceed to give a few hints or rules for 
the guidance of talkers, each as shortly expressed as 
possible, attention to which is strongly recommended to 
all young persons, as well as to some of maturer years, if it 
were possible to persuade such that they have anything to 
reform. No doubt, many will soon find out such rules for 

* This was forcibly insisted on by that acute and experienced man 
of the world, Lord Chesterfield. He says, " Letters to his Son " — 
" There are no persons so insignificant and inconsiderable, but may, 
some time or other, have it in their power to be of use to you, which 
they will certainly not, if you have once shown them contempt. 
Wrongs are often forgiven, but contempt never is ; our pride remem- 
bers it for ever." 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



IT 



themselves ; but some do not so readily appreciate such 
matters, aDd all are the better for having their attention 
directed to special study of the subject of conversation, and 
of having their memories refreshed — there are so many 
temptations to forgetfulness and breach of the laws re- 
quisite to be observed for pleasant social intercourse. 

1. Previous Preparation is necessary for Conversation. 

Do not imagine that, without ever thinking, or taking 
any trouble about it, you can have grown up a proficient 
in the art of conversation. Some, doubtless, have wonder- 
ful tact and talent, by which, almost instinctively, they say 
whatever is pleasantest, cleverest, " wisest, discreetest, 
best." This is a rare and precious gift, possessed by very 
few indeed. Do not suppose yourself one of the highly 
favoured few. It will be safer (if you can muster up 
humility enough) to consider yourself one of the great 
majority, ignorant, impulsive and blundering ; apt, on the 
spur of the moment, to make mistakes, and say what had 
better been left unsaid ; and, therefore, needing to qualify 
by previous preparation for bearing your part well. The 
preparation necessary is — 

1. Careful observation of, and reflection on, the con- 
versation of yourself and others. 

'2. The study of that which has been written on the sub- 
ject. 

3. Storing up suitable knowledge. 

Conversation, indeed, is an art, like playing, singing, or 
drawing. A few, with extraordinary endowments, excel 
naturally ; while the great majority, less favoured by 
nature, require much and careful cultivation to render 
themselves proficients. Even the most highly-gifted may 
improve themselves greatly in conversation by some study 
of its principles and rules. 

We are apt to think too lightly of the subject of con- 
versation, to neglect thinking about it at all, to suppose 
that it requires no thought or preparation, that every one 



18 THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 

is provided by Nature with sufficient conversational gifts, 
and will easily find out any rules necessary for his guid- 
ance. While we devote the greatest time and care to 
considering what we shall eat and drink, and how we shall 
dress, we spend no thought whatever on the mental dress 
in which we are to appear, but rush into society utterly 
unprepared, excepting in so far as Nature may have been 
kind to us in this respect. Because speech comes to us 
without any effort or trouble that we are conscious of, we 
tacitly assume that the right use of speech comes to us in 
the same easy way, and take for granted that we grow up 
spontaneously, perfectly fitted to play our part properly in 
conversation. 

But we must be convinced that this is a serious mistake 
when we notice the errors in conversation into which so 
many persons fall, who, from education and the sphere in 
which they move, should be what is called "well-bred." 
Some of these faults, doubtless, can with difficulty be 
avoided, arising from an excessive development of pride, 
self-conceit, selfishness, and an energetic self-will. But in 
the most numerous cases they arise from mere haste and 
thoughtlessness, or from the above qualities in a less in- ; 
curable state, and could easily have been avoided had the 
art of conversation been made the subject of reflection 
and preparation. Where we must answer on the moment, 
and perform at once the double operation of speaking and j 
framing the thoughts to follow next, it is evident that 
as much previous preparation as possible must be advan- 
tageous in the exercise of such an art. Indeed, if we 
think on the extreme complexity of the moral and intel- 
lectual machinery that produces what we say ; on the j 
imperfections and irregularities to which everything 
human is liable; and on the difficult, compound, and 
irritable nature of the material on which we operate — the 
minds and feelings of others — we must be satisfied that i 
our conversational powers, like every other power we 
possess, may be very greatly improved by some study of 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



29 



the nature of conversation, and some preparation to 
qualify ourselves for its exercise. A well and variously- 
stored mind, with, observation and reflection on the various 
forms and styles of conversation we witness in society, 
will assuredly render us more able to perform our part in 
discourse with ease, propriety, and effect. 

One of the old British essayists remarks, in the Guardian, 
that " it may be no ill policy sometimes to prepare yourself 
in a particular manner for conversation." The Tatler 
observes, " The hours which we spend in conversation are 
the most pleasing of any we enjoy ; yet methinks there is 
very little care taken to improve ourselves for the frequent 
repetition of them." And Dean Swift says, "Nature has 
left every man a capacity of being agreeable, though not 
of shining in company; and there are a hundred men 
sufficiently qualified for both, who, by a very few faults 
that they might correct in half an hour, are not so much 
as tolerable." 

The following extracts, which are taken from excellent 
articles in the Quarterly Review, are also well worthy of 
notice : — "Good conversation flows from a happy union of 
all the powers. To approximate to this, a certain amount 
of painstaking is necessary ; and, though artifice is de- 
testable, we must submit that talk may be as legitimately 
made a subject of care and thought, as any other part of 
a man's humanity, and that it is ridiculous to send your 
mind abroad in a state of slovenliness, while you bestow 
on your body the most refined care." (Vol. XCVIII.) 
" There is a certain faculty in which all nations of any 
refinement are great practitioners. It is not taught at 
school or college as a distinct science, though it deserves 
that what is taught there should be made to have some 
reference to it ; nor is it endowed at all by the public, 
everybody being obliged to exercise it for himself in 
person, which he does to the best of his skill. But in 
nothing is there a greater difference than in the manner 
of doing it. The advocates of professional learning will 



20 



THE ART OP CONVERSATION. 



smile when we tell them that this same faculty which we 
would have encouraged, is simply that of speaking good 
sense in English, without fee or reward, in common conver- 
sation. They will smile when we lay some stress upon it ; 
but, in reality, it is no such trifle as they imagine." (Yol.YI.) 

It may be objected by some of our readers that we enter 
society for relaxation, and to be at our ease, not to be 
studying everything we say, and standing perpetually on 
our guard ; that we want to be easy and natural, etc. 
With many, to be natural is to be very disagreeable ; and 
it is a useful check on such persons to have their attention 
turned to the study of the subject of conversation, and 
their offensive ways brought under their notice, and held 
up to reprobation. — to know that conversation is made a 
subject of study, and that their conduct will be marked. 
With others, to be natural is to be awkward, embarrassed 
mutes, when, by some little care and preparation, they 
might qualify themselves to take a part in conversation at 
times, and so enjoy themselves more in company, and also 
contribute to the general entertainment. The J abberer, 
the Proser, and the Punster, are very natural — too natural 
— and it is the general wish that they would study the art 
of conversation, and be a little less natural. The fortunate 
person who is gifted by Nature with conversational tact 
and talent, is at once agreeable, easy, and natural ; that is 
his peculiar privilege. 

2. Prepare for Conversation by laying in a stock of Cau- 
tion, Self -Control, Patience, Forbearance, Good Humour, 
Kindly Feeling, and, if possible, a little Modesty. 

Every one knows that it will not do to blurt out whatever 
rushes .into the mind. A thousand things occur to us 
which should not be said. The fast speaker, the hasty, 
impulsive rattler, who forgets that caution and self-control 
are necessary, flings them out recklessly, in the conceit 
that whatever comes into his head is right. If a man were 
to walk down Eegent Street, and say out aloud everything 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



21 



that occurs to him as to the passers-by, he would be 
knocked down before he had gone far. We are all aware 
that others, at least, speak hastily, and often say what they 
should not say ; and hence we may reasonably suspect 
ourselves of. at least, some tendency of the same kind. 
We must, unless we consider ourselves as perfect models, 
admit the possibility of our incautiously dropping some- 
thing that may either make ourselves ridiculous, or give 
offence to others. It is best to make up our minds that 
we are short-sighted, fallible mortals, and that in conver- 
sation, as in everything else we engage in, caution, circum- 
spection, and self-control are necessary. Indeed, they are 
the more essential in conversation, because we get little or 
no time to consider ; we must reply immediately, and think 
while we are spoken to. This rapidity of action renders 
caution at once especially necessary and especially difficult. 
Hence, it is of great advantage to pause and consider 
before one speaks, if possible, and to get into a habit of 
speaking with slowness and deliberation. This gives time 
for consideration, a little of which would prevent many a 
rash and foolish saying. Caution and reserve seldom do 
any harm; haste and forwardness are full of danger. 
Besides, with a slow, deliberate mode of utterance, our 
words make a greater impression. Most great orators 
speak in a calm, slow, impressive style ; and this is par- 
ticularly recommended by Lord Bacon. He says : — " In all 
kinds of speech, either pleasant, grave, severe, or ordinary, 
it is convenient to speak leisurely, and rather drawlingly 
than hastily ; because hasty speech confounds the 
memory, and oftentimes (besides unseemliness) drives 
a man either to a nonplus or unseemly stammering, 
hanging upon that which should follow ; whereas a 
slow speech confirmeth the memory, addeth a conceit of 
wisdom to the hearers, besides a seemliness of speech and 
countenance." 

Good humour and kindly feeling are the sunshine of 
conversation, as they are of life. They give birth to that 



22 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



friendly token and assurance of welcome, the genial smile, 
the sunshine of the countenance, which makes people feel 
that you are pleased with them and desire to please them, 
and the want of which is so cold, stiff, and freezing. They 
prompt the wish to oblige, which leads us to pay attention 
to what is said to us, to take an interest in it, to put a 
favourable construction upon it ; to treat all, even the 
humblest we meet, with courtesy, consideration, and re- 
spect. Good humour and kindly feeling, in short, lead to 
a pleasure in promoting the happiness of those you meet, 
which manifests itself in a thousand agreeable ways, and 
which, combined with observation and a little good sense, 
forms the foundation of true politeness, the grand deside- 
ratum for agreeable social intercourse. 

There are persons, unfortunately, deficient in kindliness 
and good nature; who mar pleasant conversation, and 
render themselves very disagreeable and others uncom- 
fortable. We can hardly expect them to assume these 
virtues ; that is rather difficult ; but it is well that such 
persons should know the general estimation in which these 
qualities are held, and how much the opposite qualities 
are disliked, as some check upon their manifestation of 
the latter. In others, not deficient in these amiable and 
agreeable qualities, their action is suppressed or checked 
by pride or vanity, two great disturbers of social harmony. 
Next to good humour and kindliness, perhaps modesty 
— humility — is one of the most valuable qualities for con- 
versation. Humility is one of the rarest of the virtues. 
If at any time there ever was much of it, it seems to be 
nearly banished in the present age of liberty, equality, and 
universal enlightenment. Were this virtue more culti- 
vated, how many foolish and mischievous pretences would 
be prevented ! — airs of superiority to others, keeping those 
asunder who might otherwise enjoy each other's society; 
assumptions of importance, or learning, and a thousand 
other shams, that only excite ridicule. Above all, a proper 
humility would check that over-confidence in our own 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



23 



opinions that impedes our enlightenment and makes us 
hug our errors and prejudices, and would restrain that 
style of rude, dogmatic assertion, contempt for the opinions 
of others, and cavalier behaviour towards them, that excite 
angry feelings and ill-will, and embitter social intercourse. 

3. Do as you would be done by. 

Do you like to talk 1 So do others. Do you like to 
shine and show off, and display your cleverness or infor- 
mation ? So do others. Do you like people to listen and 
attend to you ; to take some interest in what you say ; to 
agree or sympathise with you 1 So do others. Do you 
dislike to be out-talked, not attended to, interrupted, 
contradicted, confuted, put down, extinguished, ridiculed, 
quizzed ! So do others. 

This, the grand rule of life, is also the true guide to 
proper conduct in conversation. It is often neglected by 
the thoughtless, and sometimes even by the more con- 
; siderate, in the excitement of talking, from their eagerness 
to prove a point, say a clever thing, or improve a triumph. 
The golden rule is more frequently broken by the selfish 
j, and overbearing, who take advantage of their strong 
| voices and strong wills to tyrannise over others. These 
I cannot be expected to pay respect to this great rule ; but 
it is the clear interest of the majority to procure a general 
observance of its indications, which are sufficiently obvious, 
and to aid as much as they can in discouraging those who 
would violate a rule so manifestly for the general good. 

4. Remember the proper Objects of Conversation. 

These are, to make the time pass agreeably, for others 
as well as for ourselves. 

To make people like us and think well of us. 

And, when suitable opportunities occur, to instruct 
and improve ourselves and others. 

The proper objects of conversation are not to turn it to 
lour own selfish purposes, to make it merely a means of 



24 THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 

displaying our cleverness, learning, greatness, or of satisfy- 
ing our vanity, bad temper, spite, and captiousness. The 
great faults of conversation arise from selfishness, and in- 
difference to the likings and dislikings of the rest of the 
company, each pursuing his own game without any atten- 
tion to that of others. But, as conversation is entered 
into for the mutual advantage of all the company, there is 
a tacit obligation on each to respect the rights, wishes 
and feelings of the others ; and it is a breach of good 
faith in any one to turn it all to his own advantage, and 
ignore the objects for which others entered into the 
temporary social partnership with him. 

5. Gather Material for Conversation. 

To be wise, witty, humourous ; to indulge in lively 
sallies of fancy, to give forth pointed and pungent sayings, 
to make good jokes, even to describe in a pleasant and 
entertaining manner the sayings and doings of others (that 
very general basis of conversation) are gifts of only a few ; 
and even these must have some other conversational stock 
else they will be soon exhausted. 

Prepare, then, for conversation by storing the mind with 
interesting matter on subjects calculated for general dis- 
course. Amongst the principal of these are, History, nol 
forgetting the history going on at the present time 
Biography, particularly of living and recent celebrities 
Anecdotes and curious traits of human nature ; Bemark- 
able Crimes and Trials ; Adventures ; Voyages and Travels j 
Manners and Customs of different Nations ; Antiquities 
Geography ; Curious Facts in Physical Science ; Natura 
History ; Commerce and Manufactures ; Inventions 
Statistics ; and, above all, a knowledge of the Lives 
Works, Opinions, and Sayings of the Great Men of al ' 
ages. One who is well informed on a few of the preceding 
will, with the ordinary chit-chat, be able to contribute i * 
respectable share in general discourse. , * 

Do not attempt too much ; each will have one or tw< " 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



25 



favourite subjects : full information on these, with scraps 
^ from the others, will furnish him sufficiently. But, for 
[ conversation, let your knowledge be minute and accurate. 
I Loose, half -learned notions are of little use for any purpose ; 
in society they only bring you into trouble, and render 
\ you, sorely against your will, an easy prey to the Bear or 
the Differential. 

Many conversational powers, including the highest, come 
'by nature, and cannot be acquired. It is only a few who 
are able to be lively, witty, eloquent, or brilliant, to 
indulge, within proper limits, in good-humoured, playful 
badinage, to interest by their singular power of description^ 
or to amuse by light, agreeable nothings. Few and far 
'between are those on whom has been bestowed the 
wonderful power of turning to gold all they say (including 
a good deal of common-place) by a fascination, partly of 
style, partly of a magic power of eye and voice, in virtue 
of which they keep their hearers enthralled in a sort of 
mesmeric trance, to whom all willingly give ear, and think 
it natural and right that ^ they should reign supreme in 
discourse. These are gifts of nature, not to be purchased / 
by any amount of study or force of art. 

But, even those so highly favoured by nature in con- 
versational power cannot always "live upon their wits." 
For ordinary uses they must be supplied with some 
common material for conversation, and the great majority 
who are not endowed with these natural talents, but are 
not content to be listeners only, must live entirely upon 
.this common material. What shall it be 1 

Samuel Johnson, in the Rambler, about the middle of ^ 
, the last century, remarks — " He who has stored his memory 
^with slight anecdotes, private incidents, and personal pe- 
culiarities, seldom fails to find a favourable audience." 
I This is very like what we call " Gossip," or what may 
Jbe termed by a more dignified expression, "Personal 
]News." Gossip about the sayings and doings of others 
(l will always hold its place as a prime element in conversa- 

c 



28 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



tion. In old times there was little else for people to talk 
about. We find this from the memoirs, letters, etc., of 
the early part and middle of the last century, and had we 
not known it from this source, might have inferred so 
from the limited area of knowledge then accessible, the 
paucity of events of interest then going on, the compara- 
tive rarity of travelling, books and journals, and the 
general slowness of the age. We have a specimen of the 
entertaining discourse of the times in Swift's lively sketch 
of Fashionable Conversation, and may gather some idea of 
it from Pope's lines — 

u In various talk the instructive hours they passed : 
Who gave the ball, or paid the visit last; 
One speaks the glory of the British Queen, 
And one describes a charming Indian screen; 
A third interprets motions, looks, and eyes, 
At every word a reputation dies. 
Snuff, or the fan, supply each pause of chat, 
With singing, laughing, ogling, and all that" 

But conversation in the last century (and at times even $ 
now) was often a very dull affedr indeed. Oppressive, 
awkward pauses, arising from an unlucky gathering of 
" sullen spirits and barren brains " were frequent. The 
art of arranging parties was not understood. Large j 
parties, where people do not settle long in one place, but I 
can rise and move about, and where the guests break up 
into ever changing coteries, were less common. In such 
meetings, people who like and understand each other can 
get together ; those who have exhausted each other can 
move off and find new hearers for old stories, thus making 
a small amount of wit or information do wonderful service ; 
while the small divisions greatly promote freedom and 
ease, and remove that restraint and stiffness which prevail 
in a large circle, where one hears nothing but the sound 
of one's own voice, and has to address a dozen or more 
silent, solemn, awe-inspiring critics. The stiff, heavy 
entertainments, where one was chained down to the same 



HIXTS FOR TALKERS. 



27 



place and the same neighbours the whole evening, were 
more common in the last century, though, sad to say, they 
still linger in country places ; and those who gave such 
entertainments (surely so called ironically) sometimes took 
not the slightest pains, by providing music, pictures, cards, 
or by bringing suitable people together, to arrange a pleasant 
evening for the guests, to many of whom it was a perfect 
penance. Cowper has described such a party in a once- 
celebrated passage, which should not be allowed to be 
forgotten — 

" The circle formed, we sit in silent state, 

Like figures drawn upon a dial -plate ; 

1 Yes, ma'am! ' and ' No, ma'am ! ' uttered softly, show 

Every five minutes how the minutes go ; 

Each individual .suffering a constraint 

Poetry may, but colours cannot paint; 

As if in close committee on the sky, 

Reports it hot or cold, or wet or dry ; 

And finds a changing clime a happy source 

Of wise reflection and well-timed discourse. 

"We next inquire, but softly and by stealth, 

Like conservators of the public health, 

Of epidemic throats, if such there are, 

And coughs and rheums, and phthisic and catarrh. 

That theme exhausted, a wide chasm ensues, 

Filled up at last with interesting news : 

Who danced with whom, and who are like to wed, 

And who is hanged, and who is brought to bed. 

But fear to call a more important cause, 

As if 'twere treason 'gainst the English laws. 

The visit paid, with ecstasy we come, 

As from a seven years' transportation, home, 

And there resume an unembarrassed brow, 

Recovering what we lost we know not how : 

The faculties, that seemed reduced to nought, 

Expression, and the privilege of thought." 

These were poor times when people had so little to con- 
verse about beyond the weather, or the affairs of their 
neighbours —limited subjects, and the most lively ol them 
so apt to degenerate into soandal ; w T hen social meetings 



28 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



were rendered entertaining by coarseness or practical 
jokes ; when men, to kill time, had recourse to hard drink- 
ing, tiresome sentimental toasts, or boisterous buffoonery 
for hours together. We are more fortunately placed now. 
^ There has been a great advance since the time of Samuel 
Johnson, and in few things has there been greater im- 
provement than in the material and style of conversation. 
Vast stores of interesting knowledge have been opened up 
to us that were sealed books to our forefathers. Innumer- 
able curious things are daily going on around us that yield 
fertile sources for observation and discussion. The more 
extended information, superior education, increased in- 
telligence, and softened manners of modern times have 
given a rich, solid, varied, refined character to conversa- 
tion that could not exist formerly. All creation, whether 
we take the universe of nature, or that other world of art 
that man has created, is open to our view, and teems with 
delightful subjects of discourse ; and the general diffusion 
of education, and of books and journals, places this 
knowledge within the reach of all. All have risen in the 
intellectual scale, and multiplied their points of contact 
with the wonderful world around them. Among those 
numerous fields of knowledge, some may be found suited 
for each class of mind. All this enables a far greater 
number to take part in conversation, to which it also 
imparts a more elevated character. The familiar chat of 
two " lean, unwashed artificers " is learned and polished 
compared with that of the great middle class of old ; the 
easy talk of two boys resting from play has a solidity and 
interest in it beyond what the majority of the squires of 
the last century could obtain. In such favourable circum- 
stances conversation should frequently be solid and in- 
structive, as well as entertaining, and there are few who 
may not, by a little pains, qualify themselves occasionally 
to join with others in discourse in a pleasant and creditable 
manner. 

There can be little doubt that the most interesting kind 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



-2d 



of conversation to the mass of mankind is that about the 
characters, affairs, adventures, absurdities, drolleries, 
fortunes and misfortunes of their friends, acquaintances 
and neighbours. Some have a talent for that, and con- 
trive to make it very entertaining. It is apt to degenerate 
into scandal, and is hardly suited for a mixed company. 
But all about human passion, feeling, trials, has a special 
fascination for us ; the natural history of people is ex- 
tremely interesting, and next to that of people we know, or 
know about, is that of notables of the present or recent 
times. This is always a popular subject of conversation, 
and any one who has stored his mind with accurate in- 
formation as to the biography, family history, writings, 
sayings and doings of the men of mark of his own day 
or the previous age — the nearer our own times the more 
interesting — will generally be able to make himself ac- 
ceptable in company, and find a willing audience. Be- 
sides, for one's own private reading, there is nothing more 
agreeable and instructive than the lives of eminent per- 
sons. It was said of a late nobleman, who was described 
as a remarkably agreeable man in conversation, that one 
leading accomplishment which enabled him to be so, was 
his " perfect acquaintance with the histories of the most 
distinguished persons of his own age, and that which pre- 
ceded it." 

This will, perhaps, be called " Gossip about Great Folks." 
It may be so, but it is certainly what every one likes, and 
is undoubtedly more dignified than that great staple of 
conversation — gossip about nobodies. It must always be 
more or less mixed up with public transactions, great 
questions, the works, thoughts, trials, difficulties of 
eminent men, entertaining anecdotes, discussions of their 
character, conduct, writings and sayings, which make at 
once an agreeable and instructive melange. It is a vast 
field, the cultivation of which is both interesting and im- 
proving, whether for our own study, or for use in discourse 
with our friends. 



30 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



As man individually is always an attractive subject, so 
man in communities is likewise interesting. Accordingly, 
history — a vast field, both instructive and entertaining — 
the manners and customs, laws and institutions, languages, 
dialects, race, characters, &c, of different peoples, form de- 
lightful topics for general discourse ; and he who has his 
mind well stored with such knowledge will seldom fail in 
resources for entertaining his friends, and maintaining his 
ground in conversation. 

The novelties of the day, in literature, science, the fine 
arts, inventions, &c., are favourite topics of discourse, and 
those who are provided with accurate and minute infor- 
mation on the more notable and interesting of these, will 
seldom be at a loss for materials for conversation. This, 
too, is an instructive, improving, elevating kind of know- 
ledge ; and he who pays some systematic attention to such 
subjects, carefully eschewing mere smatterings, benefits 
himself by the study, as well as by the resources for con- 
versation provided, while he also benefits such of his 
friends as have sense enough to enjoy occasionally a little 
rational discourse. 

It is quite unnecessary to pursue this subject further. 
Of course, every branch of knowledge may, at times, be an 
appropriate topic of conversation. The preceding have 
the advantages that they are eminently attractive, and 
such as every one is supposed to know something of, so that 
they may be entered on without pedantry, or parade of 
learning. 

Those who are not endowed with ready and retentive 
memories will do well to keep a scrap-book, or common- 
place book, in which they should enter all sorts of " Ma- 
terials for Talk," facts and figures, anecdotes, quotations, 
&c. Frequently the " title " of the article will be sufficient 
to recall the whole to memory. Such a book will, ere 
long, become very entertaining and instructive. It should 
be frequently referred to, and care should be taken to go 
on adding, that the mind may not stagnate, fall behind 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



31 



the times, and weary other minds with only the old stories 
or old ideas over again. 

Try to elevate the conversation occasionally, so as to 
bring out some useful information or profitable discussion 
when you find yourself supported by a few reasonable 
people. Generally, people prefer light, lively, amusing 
conversation, humour, jest, entertaining anecdote, gossip. 
Now and then an opportunity occurs for something higher. 
Turn it to account, when you can without boring people, 
or trying to force the company quite against the grain. 
So much good may be derived, at times, from a rational 
conversation, that, when circumstances are suitable, you 
should try to lead people's discourse into something 
higher than the ordinary small-talk. 

6. Do not monopolise the Conversation, nor talk long 
at a Time. 

u A civil guest 
Will no more talk all than eat all the feast. ,J 

' Remember, as a general rule, with exceedingly few excep- 
tions, that people like to talk, and enjoy no music so 
much as the sound of their own voices. Any one who 
takes all the talk to himself, and prevents others getting 
in a word, is sure to make himself disliked. He is looked 
upon as unfairly depriving others of their expected share 
of the entertainment. Perhaps he thinks that because he 
enjoys hearing himself, others equally like to hear him, 
quite forgetting that the right inference is that others 
must like to Lear themselves, not him. Do not suppose 
that all is right because you succeed in silencing others 
and getting a monopoly of the conversation. Numbers of 
modest, unobtrusive persons, who are able to converse 
pleasantly and well in a quiet, easy style, give way to loud, 
rapid, boisterous talkers, who haste always to snatch the 
first word, but hate them all the while. Speak freely and 
often, when you feel sure that your doing so is acceptable 
to the company, but never long at a time ; never without 
allowing and encouraging others to take their turn, and 



32 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



frequently pausing to give them opportunities. Say what 
you have to say briefly and concisely, avoiding especially 
tediousness and prolixity, or a multitude of words. This 
leaves time for others to speak, and lessens the chance of 
your being set down as a Jabberer or Proser. 

Generally, unless particularly requested, avoid reading 
to the company. This effectually stops every mouth 
except your own, which is very offensive and should be 
done but seldom. Only very short passages with some 
really good point should be inflicted on a company in this 
monopolising way. 

This is an old complaint. Dean Swift remarks :— » 
" Nothing is more generally exploded than the folly of 
talking too much, yet I rarely remember to have seen five 
people together where some one amongst them has not 
been predominant in that kind, to the great constraint 
and disgust of all the rest." 

Most persons imagine, or behave as if they imagined, 
that in conversation all they have to do is to please 
and amuse themselves. They like to talk, and to see 
people interested in what they say ; but can dispense 
with the latter so long as they are allowed to talk, and 
coolly go on as if the rest of the company had assembled 
merely to form an admiring audience before which they 
may exhibit. They quite forget that others most likely 
have the same wish to talk, and to have the pleasure of 
seeing that they interest their hearers. A moment's re- 
flection must convince us that this is a narrow and selfish 
view of the purpose of meeting socially. The least sense 
of fairness will show that there must be reciprocal bene- 
fits, that we must give as well as take, that we are bound 
to do something to please those with whom we converse, 
as well as to please ourselves, and that for this end we 
must remember that they have tastes, wishes, likes, and 
dislikes which we must consult as well as our own. 

Now there is nothing more certain than that a very 
great number of people like to talk, and that, in most 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



33 



companies, any one who monopolises the discourse is taking 
an unfair advantage of his strength of voice, or strength 
of will, or of the good-humoured forbearance of others, 
to deprive them of part of the pleasure they expected 
and had a right to ; and he who does so, though he may 
succeed in silencing others, will surely be looked upon by 
them as selfish and obtrusive, and acquire their ill-will. 

There may be occasions when you are beside persons 
who have no talent for conversation, or who perceive that 
the company prefer to hear you, and, having the good 
sense to refrain from obtruding themselves, give way to 
you. On such occasions, of course, talk freely. You are 
gratifying others, and offending no one. Your conver- 
sational powers are of material service in relieving the 
company from positive dulness, or awkward pauses. They 
will feel obliged to you, as they ought, and if you carry 
yourself in a modest, becoming manner, you will have the 
satisfaction of pleasing every one, including that important 
person, yourself. 

Even when you are beside persons deficient in conver- 
sational power, and know that the company would prefer 
to hear you, do not take advantage of your position. 
Pause occasionally and give opportunities for others to 
take up the ball of discourse. Though they may defer to 
your acknowledged superiority, there are generally a few 
who will like to show that they can put in a word now 
and then, and are apt to be mortified at playing the part 
of entire dummies. 

All this is pretty obvious when one thinks upon it, but 
so very frequently neglected and forgotten, that it can 
hardly be too much insisted upon, that overtalking by 
some to the exclusion of others disturbs that social 
equality which should be carried out as far as possible, 
and is the great bane of conversation. To impress this — 
still further, it may be well to refer to a few high 
authorities, to show how important they considered atten- 
tion to this point. 



34 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



* Lord Bacon says:-— "Let him be sure to leave other 
men their turns to speak ; nay, if there be any that would 
reign and take up all the time, let him find means to take 
them off." The Tatter remarks: — "Every man in the 
company has a right to speak as well as themselves.* They 
are invading another man's property when they engross 
to their own private use the time that should be divided 
equally among the company." And Lord Chesterfield 
tells his son :— " Talk often, but never long ; in that case, 
if you do not please, at least you are sure not to tire your 
hearers. Pay your own reckoning, but do not treat the 
company, that being one of the very few cases in which 
people do not care to be treated, every one being fully 

v convinced that he has wherewithal to pay." 

7. Do not speak on every Subject started, or, at least, 
be not first to seize on every new Topic. 

It is not necessary or becoming to thrust in one's 
word on every subject that turns up. It looks pre- 
sumptuous, forward, and very conceited to be officiously 
pushing ourselves before others as' universal oracles. 
It is well to be silent for a little now and then ; or, 
at least, to wait a little, and not always haste to seize 
the first word. Doing so proclaims that we consider 
ourselves the most competent to speak on every subject, 
and that we believe that the company also thinks so, and 
would prefer to hear us first. 

8. Try to say something Interesting, and do not imagine 
that Everything that ever happened to you, Everything 
you have seen, heard, or done, is of Interest to Others. 

Many great talkers render themselves very great bores 

* "Rights" are very troublesome matters. Expediency or 
desirableness is much more manageable. A Jabberer or Proser 
has not the same right to speak as a man of talent, information, 
and discretion ; but it is desifable that even the Bore should speak 
a little, and undesirable that the man of talent should monopo- 
lise the talk entirely. 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



35 



by pouring out a flood of discourse describing a thousand 
very small and uninteresting events which have come 
under their notice. They have no reticence, no discrimi- 
nation, but must pour out everything. This is a great 
mistake. It is only part of what we see and hear that is 
worth telling, and, if we do not wish to be conversational 
nuisances, we must take the trouble to separate the grain 
from the chaff, the gold particles from the masses of 
quartz in which they are embedded. We must submit 
patiently to be listeners when we have no grain or gold 
ready. 

9. Try to take an Interest hi what is said to you, or, at 
least, to appear to do so. 

It is a long time since Rochefoucauld remarked that the 
reason why so few persons are agreeable in conversation, 
is that each thinks more of what he intends to say than 
of what is said to him. To give a courteous and earnest 
attention to what is said to us, is a fundamental rule in 
conversation, and, if we neglect it, we shall fail to please, 
and be set down as stupid or rude, probably both. We 
expect this from others, and must give it in our turn. 
It really is rude to appear to take no interest in what 
people say to you, to coolly pass it by quite unheeded, and 
rush on to what interests yourself, as so many do. It is 
unfair and unhandsome to be ready to accept benefits from 
others, and unwilling to make any return ; and this is the 
conduct of those who expect attention to be given to 
them, and some interest to be taken in what they say, but 
who will not reciprocate to others — a pretty numerous 
class. Even the Jabberer, the Proser, the Egotist is en- 
titled to some share of your attention. Granted that they 
are bores. Bores have their rights and feelings as well 
as others. They do not, usually, know that they are 
bores ; they do not mean to weary or offend. You cannot 
expect in conversation, more than in anything else in this 
world, to find all smooth and pleasant, and quite accord- 



36 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



ing to your liking ; you must bear with people, and try 
to please them, even though it may be difficult. Besides, 
you are going to make use of the Bore ; you expect tha.t 
he will attend to you, and be interested in what you say ; 
and he is entitled to his quid pro quo. You wish to turn 
him into one of your admiring audience ; then, conciliate 
him ; he has rights and feelings : respect them. 

10. Do not interrupt any one {unless in some extreme case); 
and when any one interrupts you, bear it with Patience 
and Good Humour, 

Every one dislikes being interrupted, and this never 
should be done unless for a necessary explanation or cor- 
rection that could not be delayed till the speaker has 
finished. The cool audacity of some interruptions is 
really wonderful. The following is not uncommon : — A 
is speaking ; he is suddenly interrupted by B, who breaks 
in with — "Oh ! that reminds me," etc.; and, having quite 
stopped A, he proceeds to tell something which could 
have done perfectly well when A had finished. Some- 
times (not always) B is so gracious as to say when he 
concludes, " But, I beg pardon, I interrupted you." 

On the other hand, do not be annoyed at an interrup- 
tion. It may be useful. Or it may mean, " I am tired 
of you, or of what you are talking about" — not very 
amiable, nor polite, certainly ; but then, you should be 
glad to be relieved of an unwilling listener. You do not 
wish to force yourself upon any one, and it is quite 
possible you may have been just sliding into " the Bore." 

11. Never correct or contradict any one as to Trivial 
Matters, and do so as seldom as possible on any Point 
whatever. 

People dislike very much being shown to be in the 
wrong, and they always like to finish what they have to 
say without having the thread of their discourse snapped 
asunder. It is teasing, and must certainly be regarded 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



37 



as conceited and rude, as well as unnecessary, to correct 
any one's statement — .or contradict him — as to trivial 
matters of no importance to the point at issue. You 
know well that you yourself particularly dislike being 
contradicted — that it puts you out of tune, and that at 
the least you would wish to be allowed to get peaceably to 
the end of your remarks ; when, in most cases, it is quite 
time enough to discuss any little mistake, if necessary to 
notice it at all. 

12. Seldom Argue. 
"Ye powers who rule the tongue, if such there are, 
And make colloquial happiness your care, 
Preserve me from the thing I dread and hate, 
A duel in the form of a debate. 
The clash of arguments, and war of words, 
Worse than the mortal brunt of rival swords, 
Decide no question with their tedious length, 
For opposition gives opinion strength, 
Divert the champions prodigal of breath. 
And put the peaceably disposed to death." 

Though arguments and discussions are at times suit- 
able, pleasant, and profitable, in general they should be 
avoided, as having a tendency to lead to irritation, violent 
altercation, angry feeling, rudeness, and the exaltation of 
one party at the expense of another. They are unsuitable 
for mixed companies for another reason : they tend to 
confine the conversation to a few, and mortify the others, 
who are reduced to the position of passive listeners. 

People, as well as popes, like to be considered infallible, 
and would rather not be shown to be in the wrong, as to 
either their facts or their reasonings. The search after truth 
is lovely in theory, but in practice people admire most 
the opinions they have already adopted ; and we have 
formed opinions on all subjects, a state of ignorance or of 
philosophic suspense on any question being quite inadmis- 
sible ! Accordingly, with opinions thus fixed, we all 
prefer those who think as we do, whom we consider as 
pleasant, sensible, and very intelligent persons ; while we 



38 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



generally regard those who differ from us as odd, wrong- 
headed, or stupid ; and if they confute us in argument, 
we set them down as rather disagreeable. People are so 
touchy and opinionative, that disputation is quite unsuit- 
able for mixed companies, for which light, lively discourse, 
witty, playful, or simply descriptive and anecdotal, not 
exciting opposition, is best adapted. 

On this subject it should be observed that some per- 
sons are so irritable and fiery, so ready to explode, so hot 
and rash in speech, and violent and even rude in manners, 
when they encounter any opposition, that one should 
never enter into argument with them at all if it possibly 
can be avoided. 

There are few who cannot look back with pleasure on 
delightful conversations, consisting almost entirely of dis- 
cussions or arguments, when we have been gratified at 
once by the ability and courtesy of our adversaries, by 
the fair opportunities we ourselves have had of stating 
our views and showing our parts, by the information we 
have acquired, and by the more thorough acquaintance 
with the pros and cons of the questions at issue we have 
obtained from the doubts, difficulties, and arguments of 
others. On certain occasions, and with suitable persons, 
argument is not only allowable, but desirable and profit- 
able, and really is the kind of conversation best adapted 
for the circumstances. When discussion can be conducted 
temperately and courteously, when all, or most, can join a 
little, and the company do not become divided into two 
or three noisy disputants and a number of mutes, or when 
some one has original views that the others wish to hear 
and discuss, then, of course, arguing may be both agree- 
able and useful. 

But such occasions and such persons are not often met 
with. More generally arguments tend to excite disagree- 
able altercations and wrangling, or to confine the conver- 
sation to a few, the majority being thrown out, which 
disappoints them, and should be avoided. 



HEXTS FOR TALKERS. 



39 



Not unnaturally we like those who think the same way 
as ourselves — living witnesses to the soundness of our 
views, and excellence of our judgments. On the other 
hand, being shown to be in the wrong mortifies us in it- 
self, and places those who confute us in a position of 
superiority, which is unpleasant. Also, persons of an 
argumentative turn are rather apt to acquire a positive, 
dogmatic, somewhat disagreeable manner. Generally 
they are not popular. For the most part we prefer fun, 
and facts which are entertaining and easily understood, 
to opinions and arguments which require thought, do not 
amuse, and are often given out with a lecturing, confuting 
air of superiority. 

In a conversation recorded in the life of Johnson, Bos- 
well remarks, " May there not be very good conversation 
without a contest for superiority ?" Johnson replies, "No 
animated conversation, sir ; for it cannot be but that one 
or other will come off superior." " Superiority of parts and 
knowledge will necessarily appear," and he adds, that those 
shown to be inferior are lessened in the eyes of others. 
Again, Boswell remarks that he " dined at a splendid table 
without hearing one sentence of conversation worthy of 
being remembered." Upon this Johnson says, " Sir, there 
seldom is any such conversation." Boswell rejoins, " Why, 
then, meet at table ?" to which Johnson answers, " Why ? 
to eat and drink together, and to promote kindness ; and, 
sir, this is better done where there is no solid conversation, 
for when there is, people differ in opinion, and get into bad 
humour; or some of the company who are not capable of 
I such conversation are left out, and feel themselves uneasy." 
Chesterfield advises his son, " Avoid as much as you can, y 
in mixed companies, argumentative polemical conversa- 
tions, which, though they should not, yet certainly do 
indispose for a time the contending parties to each other ; 
i and if the controversy grows warm and noisy, endeavour 
to put an end to it by some genteel levity or joke." 

It is true there has been a very great improvement in 



40 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



the tone of conversation and in manners since the time of 
Chesterfield and Johnson. Solid conversation is much 
more frequent ; people are less violent and have more 
temper, and do not so often "get into bad humour," or 
become " indisposed to each other" when they engage in 
an argument. Still, the advice of these great masters of 
common life is sound, and applies now as well as in their 
times, though, perhaps, to a somewhat less extent. All like 
to be amused, entertained, or can even put up with being 
instructed (if done in a quiet, modest style) ; all dislike 
to be confuted— few are ever convinced. Narrative, de- 
scription, anecdote, gossip, are acceptable to all persons at 
all times ; argument is suitable only on occasions, few and i 
far between. 



13. When you do interrupt, correct, contradict or argue, 
soften it as much as possible by Apologies and a gentle 
gracious Manner of doing it. 

This is a most important ru]e, very often neglected, and 
the breach of which leads to much unpleasantness and ji 
bad feeling. No one, with any common sense, will care I 
about what they may say being disputed ; but they cannot 
but be displeased if this is done in a rude, rough, dicta- 
torial manner. Some are so sharp, harsh, and proud of 
their superior knowledge, that they dispute or correct a j 
statement in a manner as if they had been ill-used, and 
had reason to be indignant at anything being stated that 
they could not concur in ! — or in a scoffing, contemptuous \ 
tone, indicating that they despise any one who thinks so ? 1 
or does not know better. While you maintain your own < 
views firmly, do so temperately > and let your style in any; i 
argument or discussion be modest, polite, gracious, con-i$ 
ciliatory, which will dispose people to agree with you, if J 
possible, while a sharp, arbitrary manner inevitably excites 
. opposition and resentment. Always try to compensate, I 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



41 



by the suaviter in modo, for the unavoidable disagreeable- 
ness in setting people right. As Cowper says — 

— still remember, if you wish to please. 
To press your point with modesty and ease. 

Or, in Pope's well known lines — 

Tis not enough your counsel still be true; 
Blunt truths more mischief than nice falsehoods do. 
Men must be taught as if you taught them not, 
And things unknown proposed as things forgot. 
Without good breeding, truth is disapproved ; 
That only makes superior sense beloved. 

This is really one of the most important rules for 
proper conduct in conversation. Lord Chesterfield insists 
much upon it, and recurs to it repeatedly. He remarks of 
tuaviter in modo combined with fortiter in re, " I do not 
know any one rule sounexceptionably useful and necessary 
in every part of life." As might have been supposed, Dr. 
Johnson did not lay equal stress upon "suaviter in modo." 
Boswell records the following curious conversation : — 

Johnson. — "What harm does it do to any man to be 
contradicted ?" 

Bosicell. — "I suppose he meant the manner of doing it, 
roughly and harshly." 

Johnson. — " And who is the worse for that ?" 

Boswell. — u It hurts people of weaker nerves. 

Johnson. — " I know no such weak-nerved people." 

It was hardly to be expected that the great conversa- 
tional dictator should feel for his victims. 

The following appropriate extracts are from the British 
Essayists : — 

" There is another defect." — " The peremptoriness and 
warmth that are employed in modern conferences. 
Indeed, whether we write or converse, the haughty 

D 



42 THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 

manner, the self-sufficiency, and the contempt of our 
opponent, that we mix with our arguments, have con- 
siderably prevented the advancement of truth and convic- 
tion of error." 

" Softness of manner mitigates the roughness of contra- 
diction, and allays the bitterness of unwelcome truth." 

" Never maintain an argument with heat and clamour, 
though you think or know yourself to be in the right ; 
but give your opinion modestly and coolly, which is the 
only way to convince." 

"All the purposes oft mpression and persuasion might 
be answered without the aid of noise and vehemence ; true 
force of expression and language does not depend upon 
exaltation of tones and turbulence of manner, but on a 
certain judicious balance and proportion in the terms and 
phrases we adopt, on a nice and masterly poise of words, 
and on fine and appropriate distinctions in our emphasis, 
figures and allusions." 

v 14. Avoid being positive, very confident, dogmatic. 

A positive, dogmatic tone is, in reality, defiant and con- 
temptuous. It indicates that you think that no sensible 
person can possibly differ from you ; which is very con- 
ceited, as regards yourself, and very offensive to others. 
All are liable to error ; you fully believe this of others ; 
have a little reasonableness and modesty ; admit its| 
possible application to yourself, and do not assert with too 
confident a tone. This will be more conciliatory andj 
respectful to others, and will let you down more gently, 
should it turn out for once that you have been mistaken 
as to a fact, or that your judgment has not been infallible. 
A prudent general always secures as safe a retreat as 
possible. 

A positive, peremptory, violent tone of asserting or dis- 
puting is the great bar to solid and rational conversation. 
It either indisposes us altogether to converse with him 
who adopts such a tone ; or excites our pride and oppo- 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



4;3 



siveness, when angry and disagreeable altercation is sure 
to follow. Could people be reasonable, courteous, and 
tolerant in manner, a thousand delightful and profitable 
conversations might be entered on that are avoided, because 
we are so dogmatic and confident, and thence are apt to 
be irritable, overbearing and rude when opposed. 

Tone and manner are the result of the state of the 
mind within ; a dogmatic defiant style of assertion, and 
the roughness and harshness to which we tend when in 
argument, result, mainly, from a presumptuous over- 
confidence in the correctness of our information and 
soundness of our opinions. 

Such confidence, making us feel quite satisfied with our 
existing state, is a constant bar to the acquisition of more 
correct knowledge and to our further improvement and 
enlightenment. The proper spirit of enquiry after truth 
should lead us into society, not to hear what we already 
know, to meet people who think just as we do, and so be- 
come more confirmed in our ignorances and prejudices, 
but to encounter those who think differently, and learn 
something we did not know before. 

This too confident conviction that we are in the right 
induces the conclusion that those who differ from us are 
careless as to their information, and inferior to us in their 
reasoning powers ; and this leads to a kind of conceit in 
our own superior wisdom, and an arrogant contempt for 
the understandings of others, which are very apt to escape 
from us in some manifestation of word, tone, or look, and 
give offence. In fact, this excessive confidence in our own- 
infallibility begets intolerance and consequent persecution 
— for it is persecution to treat any one with indignity, by 
sneer, ridicule, contempt, or even simple pooh-poohing, 
because his opinion is different from our own. If we can 
acquire a little modesty and humility, and shake off the 
cool conceit with which we assume that all our facts are 
unquestionable facts, all our reasonings sound and sure; 
if we can get rid of the idea that we must certainly be in 



44 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



the right, and that every unprejudiced person of common 
capacity must come to the conclusion at which we have 
arrived, we have made a great step towards what is so 
much wanted in society — that perfect toleration which 
treats difference of opinion with courtesy and respect. 

This perfect satisfaction with our own knowledge and 
opinions is very natural, and, by constitution, strongly 
implanted in some ; yet, it ought to be rigidly kept in 
check, A little observation and reflection may satisfy any 
one as to the folly and presumption of over confidence. 
What is the whole history of opinion but a tale of errors ? 
— of premature judgments, committed by the wisest and 
most learned ? Each age reverses the judgment of the 
preceding. On almost every important subject (except in 
the mathematical sciences) opinion is eternally changing. 
At this day we see the most sincere, able, learned men 
wide as the poles asunder on social, political/ religious 
subjects ; we see long established dogmas shaken to 
their foundations, and mankind sent into doubt and diffi- 
culties where they thought they were sure and safe. We 
see the best and wisest changing their views, deserting 
their old principles and adopting new ones : there are very 
few that have not, as years rolled over them, found reason 
to alter their opinions on a variety of subjects. We have 
seen, in the present century, learned and experienced 
judges, acute lawyers, and impartial juries unite in doom- 
ing the innocent to death. Even within the last twenty 
years, when undoubtedly men have been more careful and 
more merciful when life was at stake, we have witnessed 
several instances of public opinion, acting through the 
government, rescuing from death those whom over-confident 
judges and juries had left for execution. These considera- 
tions should lead all, and especially the young, to caution 
in forming opinions and moderation in expressing them 
— to a sense of the possibility of our being mistaken, and 
consequent polite and respectful reception of opinions and 
statements different from our own. 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



45 



Connected with this, there is another very common 
error— supposing that we are bound, or ought, to have a 
decided opinion on every subject. Hence we come to 
hasty judgments on matters on which, properly considered, 
we have not materials for forming a judgment at all. 
There is one thing very needful to be done, as to a great 
many subjects, and yet very difficult to do, — to suspend 
our judgment. There are points on which we should be 
content to remain in doubt. But many are too proud to 
imagine any difficulty to be beyond their power to sur- 
mount ; or too fast and impatient to remain in a state of 
cautious philosophic indecision ; and so rush to give their 
minds repose in some conclusion— any one rather than 
none at all. We do, at times, meet with wonderful people, 
who have no doubt or difficulties about anything, but have 
their minds made up to decided conclusions on every 
possible subject. But if we have a proper logical spirit, 
not overborne by excessive conceit in our own powers, we 
must be conscious, and ought frankly to admit, that there 
are many things which we do not know, and many ques- 
tions to a decided judgment on which we really do not 
see our way. 

15. Do not obtrude Opinions, nor give them out 
uncalled for. 

Do not hasten, whenever any subject is mentioned, to 
give the company, unasked, your opinion upon it. This 
exhibits not a little conceit, in assuming that the com- 
pany desires to be favoured with your views. It is also a 
hostile challenge, a sort of defiance, quite uncalled for, of 
those who may think differently, which is, in some degree, 
presumptuous. Also, it tends to lead to discussion and 
argument, which are often undesirable. If you wish to 
j raise a discussion on any particular subject (circumstances 
being suitable) it would be more becoming, and more 
courteous and respectful to others, to begin by asking 
their opinion. Besides, you may be in the wrong; or 



46 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



though in the right, there may be present a better wrang- 
ler than you are, and you may experience a fall on ground 
of your own choosing. Caution and courtesy alike urge 
us not to be forward in declaring opinions : rather defend 
than attack. 

16. Never quiz, ridicule, nor make game of any one. 

This is unkind, and it is the way to make enemies. It 
may be clever, and amusing to the lookers-on ; but it 
is extremely unpleasant, often painful to the subject of 
your ridicule, and is certain to make him dislike or even 
hate you. The others, though they may laugh at the 
time, will think ill of you, for wantonly amusing yourself 
at another's expense, and wounding his feelings, and will 
regard you as a dangerous person, rather to be avoided. 
" He that hath a satirical vein," says Bacon, " as he maketh 
others afraid of his wit, so he had need to be afraid of 
others' memory." Of course, there is a light, playful, 
good-humoured banter, which is allowable ; but even this 
is very apt to be carried too far ; few can do this with 
perfect tact, and know where to stop. Wounding us in 
the most sensitive point, our feeling of dignity and self- 
respect, ridicule, sarcasm, quizzing, are dangerous weapons 
The man whom you have put in the humiliating position 
of being laughed at seldom either forgives or forgets. 

" Parts may be praised ; good-nature is adored ; 
Then draw your wit as seldom as your sword, 
And never on the weak ; or you '11 appear 
As there no hero, no great genius here." 

17. Exercise the greatest Caution in saying, hinting, or 
agreeing to anything unfavourable of Persons absent. 

This is scandal. It is unhandsome, unfair, ungenerous — 
what you yourself would most certainly not like. You 
may do a serious injury that you never intended, and 
would be sorry for, by aiding to depreciate any one, and 
thus deprive him of the good opinion of others. The 



HINTS FOR TALKERS. 



47 



public doings of public men are fair topics for discussion ; 
private character should not be touched. 

Besides, scandal — or slander, as it should be termed — is 
unsafe. It is almost sure, sooner or later, to be repeated 
to the person ill-spoken of. Almost every one tells — blabs. 
Few can be trusted. The spirit of gossip and tittle-tattle 
is overpowering, even, it must be confessed, amongst those ^ 
discreet persons, the lords of the creation. Be cautious ; 
a word once gone forth cannot be recalled. If there be 
anything you would wish not to be repeated to others, 
your only secure plan is to keep it to yourself. 

18. Look, Tone, Manner, are of the utmost Importance. 
Try to he easy, affable, and good-humoured. 

It is difficult to over-estimate the effect of look, tone, 
manner. They are very expressive, and are generally 
believed, however we may distrust words. Of course, they 
depend mainly on the feeling within, but they are in some 
degree under our control. The same words, which said in 
a pleasant manner, are acceptable, or at least harmless, 
accompanied by a peculiar look and tone, may be very 
offensive. If we wish to create a favourable impression 
of ourselves, and to contribute to the enjoyment of others 
(two prime objects in conversation), we should endeavour, 
as to expression of countenance and tone of voice, to be 
pleasant, gracious, and sunshiny. Avoid the following 
styles : — 

The overbearing and dictatorial, 

The haughty, contemptuous, and scoffing, 

The sharp, snappish, and sarcastic, 

The cold, stiff, and freezing, 

The patronising and condescending, 
all of which are disagreeable and offensive, impede plea- 
sant social intercourse, and make enemies. 

19. Avoid Affectation and the Use of hard, learned Words. 
Be natural — be yourself. Never attempt to be some one 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



/; it is a character very difficult to maintain. Pre- 
tending to be what we are not is easily seen through, and 
invariably excites ridicule, and what is worse, distrust. 
There is something about affectation which conveys a 
painful impression of being false, and thus chills and 
repels us. An affected person never has a cordial friend. 
Cowper has given forcible expression to what is a strong 
and very general feeling — 

" In man or woman, but far most in man, 
* * * # * m m y sou i i i oa the 
All affectation." 

Use plain, simple, familiar language, and introduce 
( ' learned words of thundering sound " only when unavoid- 
able. Those who are frequently using out-of-the-way, 
pedantic expressions, subject themselves to two serious 
disadvantages — they are seldom understood, and generally 
laughed at. 

20. A certain Deference in Tone is always considered due to 
Females, to the Clergy, to those considerably more advanced 
in Years than ourselves, to our Superiors in Rank, Sta- 
tion, Learning, to our Host, and to our Guests. 

In this levelling age, deference seems oozing away ; every 
one considers himself as good as another,* or behaves as 
% if he did. A modest humility seems passing away to 
amongst the things that were. On this side of the 
Atlantic, however, the idea that we may have superiors 
still lingers ; respect for station, age, goodness, learning, 
are still natural, becoming, and expected. 

* A stump-orator in the United States, declaiming to his audience 
on the rights of all to be equal, asked, " Is not one man as good as 
another?" " Av coorse he is," cried an enthusiastic Paddy, "an' a 
dale better, too." This was going rather farther than the orator de- 
sired, but illustrates pretty fairly the levelling ideas of many. 



HINTS FOR TALKERS, 



49 



21. I)i mixed Companies avoid Subjects interesting to only 
one or two, Religious Questions, Party Politics, and any 
Topic likely from particular Circumstances to be painful 
to any one present. Also, especially avoid Subjects of 
which you know little or nothing, unless you can be con- 
tent to be a patient Listener and Learner. 

22. Study to acquire a good Conversational Style. 

A tale should be judicious, clear, succinct; 
The language plain, and incidents well link'd; 
Tell not as new what ev'rybody knows, 
And, new or old, still hasten to a close. 

The talker, like the poet, is born, not formed by art. 
Still, a good deal may be done by one who will take pains 
to examine his own talk and that of others, to improve 
his style and render his conversation more acceptable 
and more likely to be attended to. The same thing, told 
in one way, takes effect, and is listened to with interest ; 
told in another way, it falls dead on the ear of the hearer. 
Brevity and clearness are the essential points; these, 
with the use of plain familiar language (the homely Saxon 
rather than the latinised English), and a distinct, impres- 
sive manner, will succeed when there really is anything 
in what you are going to say ; if there is not, you had 
better not say it. But the study of brevity may be 
pushed too far — to bareness. As Bacon remarks : u To 
use many circumstances ere you come to matter is wea- 
risome, and to use none at all is but blunt." There is a 
happy medium between brevity and tediousness which 
you should endeavour to acquire. Above all, come soon 
to the point, and without digressions. It is difficult to 
say anything very definite on this subject. But it is 
very certain that you may avoid certain defects and im- 
prove your conversational style by careful observation 
and reflection on the various styles, good and bad, that 
come under your notice, including your own. 



50 



CONVERSATIONAL BORES. 

Men's characters are so infinitely varied that the species 
and varieties of the conversational bore are almost innumer- 
able, running into each other, and not always capable of 
being easily defined or separately distinguished. Yet, 
without asserting that they are often to be met with pure 
and unmixed, the following may be recognised as ex- 
emplifying at once some leading species of conversational 
nuisances, and some leading errors into which we are all 
apt to fall if not upon our guard. 

First and chief of all conversational pests, we have 

THE BEAR. 

This is usually a grim-visaged, stern-looking personage, 
with frowning brows and a firm, compressed mouth that 
seems incapable of relaxing into a smile. It must be 
allowed that the poor man cannot help the cut of his 
physiognomy ; but what he says, and how he says it, are 
in some degree under his control ; and if he could be 
persuaded to study a little the subject of conversation, he 
might be led to mitigate his natural ferocity in some 
degree. He does not talk much at any time, and, when 
he is not amongst his own congenial set, sits generally 
silent and sulky till some unlucky wight says something 
that he thinks he can sneer at, ridicule, confute, or cut up. 
Then the bear is " down upon him." He bursts out with 
a dogmatic, oracular growl or snarl, which it is evident 
he considers to have quite settled the point, and relapses 
into grim repose till another opportunity occurs for him 
to be severe or sarcastic. To be " putting down " some 
one appears to be his mission ; to ridicule or snub any 
one gives him peculiar pleasure. Once, on a night journey, 
a young lady, who had been introduced to him, and re- 
commended to his attention, by way of a friendly overture 



THE BEAR. 



51 



to the Bear, remarked (Sirius being peculiarly brilliant), 
" What a beautiful star that is !" Prompt and sharp, the 
Bear, who had not previously addressed a single word to 
her, replied, u Did ever you see an ugly star ? " They re- 
lapsed into silence, and she did not court another bear's 
j hug. He has destructiveness and self-conceit largely de- 
veloped, with no benevolence, and so delights in smashing 
I some one, and inflicting pain. His chief enjoyment is to 
say something offensive, or in an offensive way, and seldom 
| opening his mouth but to snarl or bite, one might almost 
I suppose that, but for unpleasant consequences that might 
| ensue, he would rather enjoy committing murder. Re- 
pulsive and inaccessible to strangers, few care to address 
[him. He never condescends to small talk, nor to talk to 
small people, and seems to imagine himself to be divinely 
appointed to correct the errors and reprove the follies of 
j mankind. In some companies of quiet, peaceable people, 
not disposed to wrangle, he creates a sort of terror or 
gloom that represses all pleasant freedom of conversation. 
I He is a conversational " dog in the manger " — does not talk 
| himself, and makes it unpleasant for others to speak. It 
I is not difficult to say sarcastic things, and turn to ridicule 
| whatever is said ; the chief requisite for this is not clever- 
| ness, but ill- nature, which is the Bear's peculiar quality, 
j He is a supremely disagreeable person, and is a good deal 
avoided. The wonder is that he gets admission into 
society at all ; but he has brains : he does say a good thing 
now and then, and puts down some other nuisance ; and 
j each invites him in the expectation that he will cut up 
fsome one else, and have sufficient tact to spare his host. 

The Bear is not without an instinct of self-preservation, 
land judiciously refrains from attacking clever people, 
[whose retort he dreads, or influential persons whom it is 
his interest not to offend. The Bear, in a variety of modi- 
fications, is pretty common. There are few who have not 
had one or more bears among their ancestors, from 
whom something of their savage nature has been trans- 



■52 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



mitted to their descendants, which crops out occasionally; 
and even among well-bred, polished people, the inherent, 
though usually dormant, bearishness tends to burst out at 
times, and needs to be carefully guarded against. When 
we meet the Bear, pure and simple, we are, of course, quite 
shocked at the behaviour of the uncouth animal. But we 
are too apt to forget that we differ amongst each other in 
the degree only, not in the nature of our component 
elements ; that we are all nearly related to the Bear, and 
are very apt to exhibit, now and then, some of the family 
characteristics. We readily perceive and condemn faults, 
when they present themselves in extreme, well-marked 
forms, and in others ; but are constantly forgetting our 
essential community of nature with all, even the worst of 
the human race, and our undoubted tendency, in un- 
guarded moments, to exhibit something of what we recog- 
nise as so offensive in others. 

Allied to the Bear, but still a distinct species, we have 

THE BULLY. 

He is a more sociable sort of person, likes to talk if he 
is allowed to be the chief talker, and does not take a cool, 
malignant satisfaction in exposing peoples mistakes or 
false reasonings. But he has a loud voice, a fluent tongue, 
an authoritative, dictatorial air, a capacious memory, a 
strong will, and a perfect conviction that all his information 
is accurate, all his conclusions infallible. He is his own 
Pope, and would like to force himself as such on other 
people. His greatest pleasures are to lay down the law 
on every subject, and to be looked up to as an oracle. He 
has such a strong sense of his own talents, importance 
and general superiority, that, without being really ill- 
natured, he loses all consideration for the rights or feelings 
of others. He is the true conversational Turk, "who can 
bear no brother near the throne." If you are so rash as 
to differ from him, or even to attempt to speak when he 



THE BULLY. 



53 



desires to hold forth, he puts you down in a tone of in- 
dignation, or in the .angry style of a schoolmaster pro- 
voked by some gross negligence. He cannot bear to have 
his statements questioned ; when opposed or thwarted, he 
becomes — if he thinks he dare do so — rude, violent, and 
scoffing, and exhibits a great deal of the Bear. With a 
respectful, admiring audience, who listen and believe, he 
is gracious and benevolent. However one must regret to 
say so of a man of great talent and learning, and un- 
questionable goodness, there can be little doubt that 
Samuel Johnson, as exhibited by Boswell, was a conver- 
sational bully. A good many bullies are to be found 
among rich people and official persons, who consider that 
their wealth or positions of influence and authority should 
give weight to all they say, and entitle them to lay down 
the law with a magisterial air, and to be exempted from 
having their decisions called in question. 

Of course, the Bully is not a fool : he could not main- 
tain his position without having something in him ; and 
so it is the more difficult to put him down. Now and 
then he meets with his master, and has to be silent, or, 
at least, play a modest and second part. This is painful 
to him, and he usually tries to keep out of the way of 
such persons, and choose company amongst whom he feels 
great and reigns undisputed dictator. Then, he is an un- 
doubted " power," and must be propitiated. The victims * 
of the Bear and the Bully should unite and present to 
them some such petition as the following : — 

"Good Messrs. Bear and Bully, — We, the undersigned, 
very respectfully beg your favourable consideration of this 
our humble petition. We acknowledge your power, wisdom, 
and great and accurate information, and are willing to ad- 
mit that you are generally in the right. Still, we think 
you are hard upon us. It is excellent to have a giant's 
strength, but tyrannous to use it like a giant. We should 
like to be allowed, now and then, to state a fact or give an 



54 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



opinion, without being snubbed, and set down as igno- 
ramuses or noodles ; and when your strong sense of truth, 
logic, and clear statements compels you to correct us, we 
humbly entreat that you would be content with the 
superiority manifested in setting us right, without knock- 
ing us down and kicking us at the same time. We beseech 
you, dread sirs, to let us sometimes have out our little say 
in peace, which would gratify us very much without 
hurting you ; and your petitioners will ever pray, etc. 

{Signed) " Smith, Brown, Jones, and Robinson, 

" For ourselves and thousands of quiet, 
commonplace people, whom we represent." 

Next in order to the two conversational bores already 
described, we have a very peculiar genus which we may 
call 

the differential. 

The leading characteristic of bores of this class is that 
they cannot agree to anything. The following extract 
from Hudibras describes them admirably : — 

" A sect whose chief enjoyment lies 
In odd, perverse antipathies ; 
In falling out with that, or this, 
And finding somewhat still amiss ; 
More peevish, cross, and splenetick 
Than dog distract, or monkey sick." 

You never have the pleasure of hearing the Differential 
bore approve of, or heartily concur in, anything you say. 
Even though you may be echoing his own facts or opinions, 
you are wrong in your way of putting them ; your repre- 
sentation of them needs some correction or modification. 



THE DIFFERENTIAL. 



do 



u The mark at which my juster aim I take, 
Is contradiction for its own dear sake. 
Set yonr opinion at whatever pitch. 
Knots and impediments make something hitch; 
Adopt his own ; 'tis equally in vain. 
Your thread of argument is snapt again." 

His prominent faculties are self-conceit, opposiveness, and 
a certain captious, morbid acuteness, which, in the absence 
of any real solidity or breadth of intellect, lead him to 
catch at numbers of "infinite littles''; and, as mankind 
really often are in the wrong, as there are so many 
legitimate differences of opinion, and the imperfec- 
tions of language lead to so many loose modes of 
expression, the Differential is never at a loss to find 
tares among the wheat of conversation, and so to get 
; opportunities of exhibiting his superior correctness of 
| information, or greater precision of thought and expression ; 
or at least of indulging his taste for contradicting and 
opposing. He cannot admit that the sun rises ; it only 
appears to rise; it is the earth that really moves. He 
I objects to its being said that any one is of an old family ; 
we all come from Adam and Eve, one family is as old as 
1 another. Nothing that any other person has seen or heard 
is worth much. If you speak with admiration of some 
'celebrated piece of natural scenery, it is nothing compared 
(with something else that he has seen. If he cannot dis- 
pute that it is very fine, he asks if you saw it at such and 
such a time, or under such and such circumstances ; if 
I not (and you may as well say " No " at once, he can never 
[admit that you saw it as he saw it), then you did not see 
it to advantage ; you should have seen it some other way — 
.that was really something worth seeing. He is the oddest 
mixture of captiousness and egotism. He was once 
[travelling in Belgium, and, running short of money, was 
detained a long time at Lou vain till he got remittances, 
and had only a hurried glimpse of other places. Ever 
afterwards, with him, Louvain was almost the only place 



56 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



in Belgium worth seeing. Had you been there ? What a 
pity you missed it ! You might have exhausted Brussels 
Antwerp, Bruges, Ghent, and Liege ; these, he admits, are 
well enough, but you should have seen Louvain. Mind 
that, the next time you are on the Continent. His peculiar 
talent is, differing from every statement he hears. It is 
painful to him to find that any one is altogether in the 
right, and has said nothing that can be objected to. 
Cowper must have had some teasing Differential in his 
eye when he wrote — 

" Oh! thwart me not, Sir Soph, at every turn, 
2sTor carp at every flaw you may discern ; 
Though syllogisms hang not on my tongue, 
I am not, surely, always in the wrong: 
'Tis hard if all is false that I advance; 
A fool must now and then be right by chance." 

He is ever arguing, wrangling, proving or disproving some- 
thing, and lives happy only in an atmosphere of contention. 
By no means ill-natured, nor disagreeable in manner, he 
is still a very cross-grained, troublesome sort of person, 
rendering conversation continually jarring and jolting, like 
travelling over a rough country road in a vehicle without 
springs or cushions. If you can take it coolly, avoid being 
irritated by his " frivolous and vexatious " objections and 
difficulties, and resolve to amuse yourself with him, the 
Differential is really a curious subject of study in the 
Natural History of Talk. A good many Differentials are 
x to be found among Scotchmen and lawyers. " The Looker- 
on " mentions one of this class, who " had fallen into a 
hostile practice of perpetual contradiction." His friends 
taking counsel how to deal with him, resolved, in speaking 
to him, to say nothing but self-evident propositions ; e< to 
address no observations to him that contain any proposi- 
tions above intuitive certainty or universal notoriety, so as 
effectually to preclude him from any share in interesting, 
dignified, or useful conversation." 



THE DIFFERENTIAL. 



57 



One might expect to dispose of the Differential by the 
judicious practice that has often been recommended — 
;assenting readily to great talkers. But this would fail 
with him. He will not agree with you, even when you 
agree with him. He cannot live without differing. The 
only ways of doing with him are, to steer clear of him 
altogether, or, as the old essayist recommends, to stop his 
mouth by stating to him only axioms, or other perfectly 
indisputable propositions. It is only Euclid that baffles ' 
him, so, unfortunately, he has a wide field of action. 

The Differential is urged mainly by self-conceit, and a 
consequent desire to show his superiority ; sometimes, less 
by these than by an excessive development of the spirit 
of contradiction and wrangling-. Not unfrequently, we 
find still another cause of this captious fault-finding turn 
—a malignant pleasure in giving annoyance ; for there are 
persons who take a positive delight in giving pain, and are 
bappiest when they can mortify some one, wound his feel- 
ings, and render him uncomfortable. 

The Bear, the Bully, and the Differential are serious 
impediments to pleasant conversation. They at once doom 
bo silence that very large class of persons not fitted, or 
aot inclined for resistance, contests, and wrangling ; and 
»vith the more sturdy they excite altercation and angry 
feelings, unpleasant to both listeners and those who are 
saking part in the discussion. They are rough, square 
persons, out of place in the smooth round holes of social 
ntercourse; nuisances that may be tolerated, or sub- 
mitted to from the mere force of their loud voices, energy, 
ind self-will, but are still disliked and avoided, as dis- 
turbers of the public peace. Their style is disagreeable 
n itself, and objectionable as depriving the company of 
the conversation of mild and gentle natures, who shrink 
rom turbulence and strife, but are well fitted to please in 
i quiet, harmonious intercourse, where their contributions 
>o the general entertainment would be listened to with 
nterest, and accepted with good-will in a friendly sympa- 

E 



58 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



thising spirit. Conversation is pleasantest when it moves 
quietly onwards in a smooth, easy flow, like the gentle 
stream gliding placidly through the meadow, or at most 
with not more than a ripple and a soft murmur when it 
passes over a pebbly bed, "making sweet music with the' 
enamelled stones." But it becomes harsh and unpleasant 
when it resembles the angry and boisterous torrent, 
driven hither and thither by encountering obstacles every 
moment, rushing wildly down the rapids, dashing against 
the rocks with turmoil, vehemence and uproar ; and this 
is the style of conversation which the above amiable trio 
tend to produce. Examine yourself well ! if you find any- 
thing of the Bear, Bully, or Differential in your composition, 
root it out if possible, else you will be sure to be dis- 
liked, and spoken ill of when your back is turned, 
however your talent or energy may lead people to appear 
desirous of cultivating your favour. 

Another well-known conversational pest is 

THE JABBERER. 

His tongue exemplifies perpetual motion, and it is very 
difficult to stop it. He rattles on without the slightest 
conception that there is neither sense, information, humour 
nor playfulness — but only words — in what he says. He is 
all tongue and no brains, and talks " an infinite deal of 
"X nothing, more than any man in all Venice not lively, 
entertaining nothing, such as some excel in, but dull, 
empty, frivolous nothing, which wearies out the soul of 
the unfortunate listener. Whatever subject may be 
started the Jabberer has something to say upon it, with 
which he rushes in before others can say a word, very 
often not of the least interest or at all to the point, and 
to the exclusion of modest unobtrusive people, who really 
could say something worth listening to, if they were not 
pushed aside by this conceited chatterbox. The infinitely 
small trash he pours out with the most perfect complacency 



THE JABBERER. 



59 



is astonishing ; it is strange to find any one gifted with 
such an enormous faculty of talk without a particle of 
sense to guide it. He is not rude, nor offensive ; on the 
contrary, he is often rather good-humoured, but he is 
wearisome — a perfect bore. Nor is it from mere selfish- 
ness he talks to excess, but frequently from the combina- 
tion of an inordinate (diseased, in fact) power of talk and 
thoughtlessness. He has no repose in his character, nor 
in his tongue, and allows none to those who are in his 
company. Although it wounds the author's feelings of 
gallantry to say so, truth compels him to declare that the 
Jabberer is sometimes of the fair sex. Loquacia appears 
to be quite a charming young lady, good-natured, obliging 
and pretty, and people are disposed to like her, if she 
would let them— that is, if she would be quiet, or at least 
speak in moderation. But she talks incessantly, bores and 
fatigues people, and thereby neutralises the effects of her 
charms. She is hardly clever, not learned, nor witty ■ and, 
although, in such a multitude of words, a good thing may 
turn up occasionally, nine-tenths of her talk is wearisome 
being made up of the smallest stuff imaginable, which she 
fancies must be interesting to others because it has come 
into her foolish little head. She cannot be at peace; 
silence for a single moment fatigues her, and she rushes 
forwards in restless haste with her say on every topic that 
may be started ; not that she knows anything about it, 
but simply because the demon of chatter has possessed 
that fair form. She has not been able yet to discover that 
elders do not like to be talked down or extinguished by 
young people, nor gentlemen (lords of the creation, as they 
consider themselves) by ladies. She seems to labour 
under the amiable delusion that she is saving other people 
trouble by doing all the talk for them, and thut they feel 
obliged to her for so doing ! She has a snug little fortune, 
which, with her good looks, would long since have estab- 
lished her, but her admirers, after a nibble or two, turn 
away, alarmed by the dreadful flood of talk, injudiciously 



60 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



exhibited too soon. A hundred years ago, Sterne wrote an 
epitaph for her — " On such a day, in the — th year of her 
age, Loquacia became silent ! " 

Another description of bore, whose presence at a social 
gathering invariably proves a dreadful infliction on the 
assembled guests, is 

THE PROSER. 

This is a man of slow genius, or rather no genius, who 
yet likes to hear himself talk. With an imperfectly de- 
veloped language faculty, and a confused intellect, he is 
quite unconscious of his own proper vocation, which is 
that of a listener, who should limit himself to uttering 
at the right time an intelligent " Keally ! " " Indeed ! " 
" You don't say so ! " etc. But he is dissatisfied with the 
position which Nature has assigned to him ; is ambitious 
of shining and being listened to, and will have his word 
in as well as the others. He begins with due solemnity, 
drawls out what he has to say in the most tiresome man- 
ner, and usually in a dull leaden tone of voice, itself 
oppressive ; pedantically affects a minute logical subdivi- 
sion of his subject, hums and haws frightfully, gets into 
the most tedious digressions, expands upon fifty minor 
points of not the least importance to his story, delibe- 
rately pauses, and keeps the company waiting till he can 
call to recollection some trifle of no consequence, such as 
the street, or the number of a house, often does not appre- 
ciate the real point of his argument or narrative, but 
misses it, or slurs it over confusedly, and ends (when he 
does reach that blessed stage of his maundering) with 
some most lame and impotent conclusion. With a happy 
obtuseness and conceit, and an energy, determination, 
and perseverance that might be admired in a better cause, 
be pursues the even tenor of his way, perfectly uncon- 
scious that he is the biggest of bores, and quite regardless 
of inattention, indifference, and interruptions (which are 



THE RIGMAROLE. 



CI 



not judicious). When he has got over the interruption, 
he begins his discourse again with " TVhere was I ? " and 
you may be glad if he does not give you a recapitulation. 
Nothing but the strongest measures can put any check 
upon him. People in general are good-natured and polite 
enough to let him go on, and calmly resign themselves to 
their fate. Only the Bear or the Bully can rescue them, 
and he gives these an opportunity of proving that, like 
other noxious animals, they are not without their uses. 

Allied to the Proser, but still a distinct species, is 

THE RIGMAROLE, 

a very curious species of talker. He has not a particle 
of logic in him, but delights in reasoning, and particu- 
larly in some rather refined and subtle argument. He is 
almost incapable of knowing anything accurately, yet is 
always parading his information, perhaps on some scien- 
tific subject, and has rather a fancy for statistics. He has 
a speculative mind, with some imagination, and catching 
hold of a corner of a subject (he never gets further), he 
rejoices in explaining and illustrating it, and in bringing 
out some original view of it, which has not been noticed 
by others. This he does in the most rambling, incoherent 
way, as if his thoughts had been shaken up together in a 
bag and drawn out at random. He is a sort of " button- 
holder," who is very fond of thus expounding his theories, 
which are generally nonsense, or sense with a twist. He 
is one of those unlucky mortals who, by a curious arrest 
of development, have the taste, without the capacity, for 
learning and thinking, and are endowed with enough of con- 
ceit to prevent them ever becoming aware of their defects. 
Many such half-formed minds are to be met with. It is 
almost impassible to give any minute account of the 
Rigmarole ; he is indescribable. It is in vain attempting 
to set him right ; he is fast in a groove, from which you 
cannot extricate him. All you can do is to politely give 



62 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



him your attention ; extract, if possible, the grain of 
truth that may be mixed up with his dreams ; preserve 
your gravity, and avoid, the best way you can, committing 
yourself to agree with him. 

THE PUNSTER 

k is a sort of lusus naturce, sometimes amusing, more fre- 
quently an annoyance. Like the calculating boy, or the 
infant musical prodigy, or the man who can repeat the 
whole of the Psalms or the new Testament, by a caprice 
of development, he has run to excess in one narrow direc- 
tion. He has a morbid memory for varieties in the 
meanings of words, and the English language, unfortu- 
nately, affords him ample scope. With this one little 
talent, infinitely conceited about it, without any real wit, 
without logic or earnestness in his composition, he cares 
little for the sense of what is said to him ; only the sounds 
of the separate words interest him, and, drawn aside by 
anything that admits of a verbal twist, he unscrupulously 
perpetrates any rudeness, that he may thrust in a pun or 
play upon some word used. As half an egg is better than 
no meat, so the inveterate punster, when he cannot think 
of any pun upon a whole word, is glad to put up with a 
play on some part of a word, rather than miss a chance of 
exhibiting his fine perception of similarity of sound and 
variety of meaning. If, in the course of your story, you 
happen to say that a paper was destroyed, or some mis- 
chief done by a rat, the punster sees and seizes his op- 
portunity, and interrupts you to remark, " I suppose you 
arrived at that conclusion by a process of ratiocination." 
And if he writes a book, whatever the subject may be, 
he contrives to introduce something to enable him to 
show off this miserable fraction of a pun.* His peculiar 
word-faculty is almost a monomania with him, and becomes 
a nuisance to others. You see by his manner that he 



* This example is taken from a book. 



THE JOKER. 



03 



does not take the least interest in what you are saying, 
but is on the watch for anything that suggests a pun or 
verbal quirk, with which he ruthlessly interrupts you, 
even although you may be at the most telling or interest- 
ing part of your story, and forthwith bursts into a roar of 
laughter, as if he had really said something excessively 
clever. Xow and then he says a good thing, on the 
strength of which he bores one with twenty wretched 
attempts, so bad that, if one does laugh, it is at the down- 
right silliness of them, or, out of mere compassion not to 
disappoint him. Such are the mere punsters, or word- 
catchers, unfortunately a numerous class, feeble imitators 
of the man of sterling wit, who sometimes, in a quaint, 
original way that delights one, makes his point turn upon 
a pun ; whereupon, those who can achieve a pun — and 
nothing more — conclude that therefore they are witty, set 
up as Hooks or Jerrolds, expose their own folly, and 
afflict their friends. 

THE JOKER, 

another imitator of the man of real wit and humour, 
like the punster, has a great tendency to become a bore. 
He is perpetually straining at being funny, and very often 
is not funny at all, but only tiresome ; mistaking for a 
good joke, and laughing loudly at, something that has 
only the form, not the substance of a joke. His humour 
has a great tendency to personality ; in his habit of ex- 
tracting ridicule or jests out of everything, he is often, 
without intending it, offensive ; at the least, inconsiderate, 
and very apt to go too far. He has generally only one 
style, the joking one, and pursues it recklessly, regardless 
of everything, so that he can raise a laugh ; that being 
his great end and aim. He considers himself alone, 
utterly ignoring two important points : first, regard for 
the feelings of others, and next, that " a jest's prosperity 
lies in the ear of him who hears it." Like the punster, 
he conceives himself entitled to interrupt and break in 



64 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



with his little jests at any moment ; and by these inter- 
ruptions alone, to say nothing of the frequent bad taste 
of his jokes, makes himself a conversational nuisance. 
Occasional and appropriate jests are pleasant, and give a 
zest to conversation ; a regular joker becomes wearisome, 
besides being rather dangerous. 

THE MONOTONE 

has his thoughts absorbed by one all-engrossing subject, 
which fills his mind, to the exclusion of everything else. 
He takes no interest in any other subject. In season and 
out of season, he drags it into every conversation, and 
dilates upon it usque ad nauseam. He contrives to con- 
nect it with everything, and like the ingenious paragraph 
advertisements, that begin with whatever may be the 
most exciting topic of the day, and end with Somebody's 
Antibilious Pills, or the Finest Starch ever made, so the 
Monotone, whatever topic may be started, contrives to 
turn the conversation to his favourite subject. He never 
observes that his friends step away from him (if they can) 
when he mounts his hobby-horse. If they cannot escape 
they are irresistibly tempted to turn it to ridicule. He 
can stand that, considering himself as a sort of martyr. 
He is a kind of fanatic or enthusiast ; selfish enough, how-"| 
ever, to care only for his own nostrum, and to be impa-f 
tient of the crotchets of others. It is best to keep out of J 
his way ; and if you cannot do that, to let him have full 
swing till he exhausts himself. 

THE EGOTIST 

like the Monotone, is full of one all-engrossing subject- 
that is, himself. Self-glorification is the only kind of con- 
versation that interests him. He fatigues people and 
provokes their ire by his continual reference to his own 
wonderful sayings and doings. He has always something 
to tell indicating his talents, his successes, his influ- 
ence, his great general importance. He never wearies of 



THE SELF-SEEKER. 



Go 



relating how he foresaw everything, foretold everything, 
advised or managed everything ; how much people ho- 
noured, respected, consulted, deferred to him. You are 
led to wonder how ever the world got on before he was 
born, and how it will do when he shall have passed away. 
Within certain limits he is generous to others. All his 
friends and relations are remarkable, eminent ; each is 
the very foremost man in his peculiar sphere. If they 
are merchants or bankers, they are millionaires, and their 
transactions regulate commerce and the money market ; 
if they have salaries, they have twice as much as others 
of the same class ; if they are authors, their works lead 
the age, they get fabulous sums from their publishers, 
and are read by millions ; are they legislators, it is they 
that rule ; are they soldiers, it is they that win the bat- 
tles. "Whatever he has seen is quite superior to whatever 
any one else has witnessed. No one ever saw so fine a 
sunset, so grand a storm, or such big hailstones. His 
watch is perfect, and keeps better time than any other. 
Everything with which he is in any way connected be- 
comes invested with an atmosphere of greatness and 
superiority. He never failed or was baffled in anything 
he undertook. Whatever may be the subject of conver- 
sation, he has some special information upon it, not 
accessible to ordinary mortals. He is very sensitive to 
ridicule or banter, when he can be brought to think you 
have dared so far, and you need not hope that he will ever 
forgive you. There is only one way to get on with him, 
and that is on the principle that it is better to flatter fools 
than to fight with them. 

Allied to, often united with the Jabberer or Egotist, yet 
sometimes distinct, we have 

THE SELF-SEEKER. 

He delights only in subjects that he is conversant with, 
and which give him an opportunity of display, or at least 



68 



THE ART OP CONVERSATION. 



of taking a prominent part in the conversation. He takes 
little interest in anything but what he himself says. 
When others speak, he may condescend to listen, if they 
assent to, approve, or corroborate what he has said ; 
otherwise, he pays little attention, appears absent or care- 
less, exhibits a restless impatience and ruthless disregard 
of what they say, and breaks in abruptly with something 
that he is interested in, setting aside, with little ceremony, 
what others may care for. With more sense and less 
empty volubility than the mere Jabberer, he still greatly 
prefers his own talk or own subject, and being in nature 
hard, rude, and selfish, coolly exhibits that preference 
almost offensively. He is perfectly satisfied that every 
and the smallest thing he ever saw, heard, or did, are ex- 
tremely interesting ; that the company must be edified 
and entertained by an account of them, and would greatly 
prefer to listen to him, and to converse on the subjects 
that he chooses. The Self-seeker is frequently to be met 
with in good society, amongst those who ought to be 
" well-bred " people— even the fair sex afford occasional 
specimens. With the most easy assurance — or cool im- 
pertinence, as it may be termed — he thrusts aside any 
who are mild and forbearing enough to yield to him, and 
has even been known to boast of such performances. 

THE EXCLUSIVE 

is one of the greatest of obstructives to pleasant social 
intercourse. He cannot stoop to be civil to every one he 
meets in society. The company one meets now-a-days is 
so mixed, he is, unfortunately, often brought into contact 
with persons who are quite beneath his notice, of no im- 
portance, not worth wasting his precious time, words, and 
thoughts upon. He endeavours to maintain with such 
persons a dignified reserve. If he cannot avoid shaking 
hands with them when introduced, he holds out two 
fingers ; never favours them with more than a stiff" Yes" 
or " No," and tries to make them feel that it is a presump- 



THE EXCLUSIVE. 



67 



tion in them to address him. He opens out only to dis- 
tinguished persons, or to his own set ; to others he is cold 
and stiff, surrounding himself with an atmosphere of re- 
pulsion, to protect himself from their intrusion. Stuffed 
full of pride and conceit, utterly deficient in kindliness and 
geniality, he shuts himself up in his supposed dignity, and 
wonders that common people dare approach him familiarly. 
When one Exclusive meets another of his own set, they 
enter into a tacit offensive and defensive alliance, cut the 
rest of the company, ignore any remark that another may 
make, and contrive to let it be seen that they consider 
themselves "high on a throne apart" from ordinary 
mortals. It may be pride of birth and rank, of station, of 
wealth, of talents, of science and learning, of moving in 
superior society, of a stiff, frigid nature, upon which he 
plumes himself, and feels authorised to be unsocial and 
make himself disagreeable. He not only mars free, 
pleasant intercourse, and so makes others uncomfortable, 
but loses many agreeable and instructive hours that he 
might himself enjoy if he could unbend and forget his 
empty dignity for a little. But, puffed up with conceit, 
he has got into the habit of despising mankind in general 
as quite beneath him, and retreats into his cold, hard shell 
of lofty reserve till he meets with persons worthy of his 
time and attention. His conduct is a striking example of 
Shakespeare's complaint that u Not a man, for beii^g simply 
man, hath any honour." He does not coincide with that 
learned, shrewd, genial, and really great man, Sir Walter 
Scott, that from every man you may learn something ; nor 
does he sympathise with the grand, broad humanity of 
Burns, when he exclaims, "A man's a man for a' that." 
Only a select few are " men," in his fastidious eyes ; the 
rest are "rabble." A morbid creature, doubtful and jealous 
as to his position, puny in soul and deficient in broad 
sympathies, he is inflated with some fancied superiority, 
except to a select few of his own clique, to whose society 
it would be for the general good that he should confine 



68 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



himself. A good many Exclusives may be found among 
literary and scientific men, and members of learned 
societies. 

THE MUTE 

is not a very common character. The most of men, as 
well as of women, are gifted with considerable powers of 
"talk." Excess is the more common fault. When the 
general silence of the Mute results from singular defi- 
V ciency in language-power, or in readiness of mental action, 
like Ethelred the Unready, so that the right thing to be 
said occurs to him just a little too late, or when it arises 
from downright dulness, there is no help for it. We may 
be thankful that he knows his defect, accepts the position 
nature has evidently designed for him, and has the good 
sense not to attempt — to the annoyance of his friends, and 
his own discomfiture — what he is quite unfitted for. 
Would that the Jabberer or Proser had as much discre- 
tion ! When you fall alongside of a Mute, do not run 
away. That is shabby ; you cannot expect always to get 
prizes in society. Do not suppose he is sulky or dislikes 
you, because his answers are brief. He is, perhaps, only 
a little embarrassed, knowing his defect, and perceiving 
that you are a " master of discourse." Make up your mind 
that you will have to entertain him. Exert yourself a 
little ; be generous ; give for once where you can get no 
return, and be content with the triumph of having accom- 
plished a rather difficult feat. Further, as a good Christian, 
run to the rescue when you see two unlucky Mutes trying 
to entertain one another. 

Some are eminently qualified to take an active part in 
conversation ; others are adapted to be listeners. Gener- 
ally, each should stick to his vocation. But there are 
Mutes who need not be so. Swift asserts that nature has 
given to every man a capacity of being agreeable, though 
not of shining in company. To say this of every man is 
perhaps going too far ; but certainly it is true of the most 



THE MUTE. 



69 



of men. To some, however, the gift has been coupled 
with the condition that they shall take some pains to 
! render it available to them. First, they must be at some 
trouble to overcome unnecessary bashfulness or timidity. 
This they will find very superfluous indeed, when they 
reflect on the uncommonly small talk that passes current 
in conversation : the observation of which should help 
them to get rid of that excessive diffidence and humility, 
and encourage them to venture out in little nothings as 
their neighbours do. Others are silent from excessive 
pride ; they will not speak unless they have something 
clever, important, or really superior to say, worthy of the 
exalted ideas they have of themselves. The pride is not 
so easily managed ; the timidity will soon be got rid of by 
practice in hearing the sound of their own voices, and 
constant perseverance in efforts to take a part in con- 
versing when opportunities arise. In a debating society, 
many who were afraid to speak for a time, and when they 
did begin were confused, blundering, and stammering, by 
perseverance got over these defects, and, without exactly 
turning out orators, became perfectly able to express their 
ideas with tolerable fluency and force in an unembarrassed 
manner. So it is in conversation, which is a sort of 
debating society on a small scale. Those who find a 
difficulty in keeping up discourse, must be at a little 
trouble to observe and study the ways of others — some 
to imitate, some to avoid. By observation and reflection 
of the various styles of talk that come under their notice 
— by consideration of their own nature and powers — 
they will soon learn what style suits them best, what they 
are capable of, and what is beyond their reach ; how to 
adapt their conversations to the different characters they 
meet, how to please, how T to avoid giving offence. And, 
further, they must be at some trouble to lay in stores of 
information, which will be a valuable resource, in many 
cases highly acceptable to those with whom they converse. 
If, as is the case with so many, people find themselves not 



70 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



gifted naturally with ready powers of conversation, still 
they must not settle down as Mutes without an effort. 
They must try to supply the deficiency by art, which, 
though it can never equal nature, will, with care and 
attention, afford a tolerable substitute — at all events, 
infinitely better than being shut out of social intercourse 
by ignorance, timidity, or false pride. Sometimes one 
meets a kind of sullen Mute, not incapable of conversation, 
but not inclined to talk, from a dull, cold, phlegmatic 
temperament ; who will neither speak himself, nor give 
others any encouragement. As speedy escape as possible 
from such a companion is quite justifiable. 

If you cannot succeed in getting the Mute to enter into 
conversation on general topics, find out some subject on 
which he is informed, and encourage him to talk upon 
upon that. If it be professional, or what is called 
" shop," you have then a chance of acquiring much 
exact and curious information ; for every occupation has 
connected with it much that is interesting and instruc- 
tive, and that can be learned accurately only from those 
who have made it a business. The common prejudice 
against a man's talking about his own business, is some- 
times pushed too far. It is certainly in bad taste for 
a man to thrust it forward himself ; but when circum- 
stances are favourable for a little rational and instructive 
conversation, it seems unreasonable to reject those topics 
on which we can obtain the most extensive and accurate 
information. The physician, the lawyer, the engineer, 
the merchant, the naturalist, the seaman, are each in 
possession of curious and exact knowledge on most inter- 
esting topics, a selection from which would delight all 
hearers. Still more should we bring out professional 
information when we come across one who has not the 
gift of general discourse. 

Such are a few of the leading varieties of Conversational 
Bores, briefly sketched, as beacons, to indicate to my 
younger readers some modes and styles in discourse 



CONCLUSION. 



71 



which they should try to avoid, and intended to excite 
them to observation and reflection on what comes under 
their notice in society. Careful observation, and thinking 
on what they observe, will do far more than any book 
to improve them in the art of conversation, if they have 
fully realised the great truth of the common nature of all 
mankind, and hence (mortifying though the admission 
must be) their own liability, if not very watchful of them- 
selves, to be guilty of what they deem so offensive in 
others. 

CONCLUSION. 

By attention to the hints or rules we have given, a 
good many faults that impede pleasant social intercourse, 
and are injurious to yourself or offensive to others, may 
be avoided. They will not enable you to shine in conver- 
sation ; that is the gift of Nature ; but the errors they 
indicate are very frequent, and, it must be allowed, are 
very natural, and therefore, the more needing special 
consideration and attention to guard against them. What 
hurts others and hurts ourselves in the estimation of 
others, is certainly deserving of our careful examination, 
as to the means of avoiding it. Recognised rules in con- 
versation are valuable, even though often broken ; their 
tendency is to protect those who are mild and gentle from 
being overborne by the rough, strong, and unscrupulous. 
Further, it may be seen how right conduct on the part of 
others, and a little painstaking on their own part, may 
enable many not naturally endowed with great powers of 
discourse, to take a respectable share in general conversa- 
tion — a very desirable object. 

To conclude, if you desire to enjoy yourself in conver- 
sation, and to make an agreeable impression, you must, 
above all, consult and respect the wishes and feelings of 
others as well as your own. You must listen patiently 
to others, attend to them and show some interest in what 



72 



THE ART OF CONVERSATION. 



they say. You must yourself speak occasionally, suggest 
or originate something, or some remark on the subject in 
hand, as your contribution to the general entertainment. 
If you neglect the wishes and rights of others, you are 
unfairly gratifying yourself at others' expense, and are 
guilty of a breach of the implied contract which brings 
people together to converse. If you do not take some 
trouble to speak now and then, you are receiving without 
giving anything in return, and must lay your account 
with being set down as sullen or dull. Never forget that 
besides some little power of talk, there are two grand 
desiderata for conversation — a kindly regard for the wishes 
and likings of others, and a stock of suitable information. 
Selfishness and ignorance are serious obstacles to success 
in society. Kindness and courtesy you owe to others— a 
well furnished mind to yourself. With these you can 
hardly fail. 



CASSELL'S 

SELECT BOOKS '"YOUNG PEOPLE. 



CassclVs Popular Natural History. 

Profusely Illustrated with splendid Engravings and Tinted 
Plates :— 

Complete in Four Volumes, bound in cloth - 34s. 

Ditto Two Volumes ditto - - 30s. 

CassclVs Illustrated Bunyau. 

THE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS. Illustrated throughout : 
Plain cloth - - - - 7s. 6d. 

Full gilt cloth, gilt edges - - - 10s. 6d. 

Goldsmitlis Works, Illustrated. 

THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD and POEMS, beau- 
tifully printed on Toned Paper, and Illustrated throughout : 

In One handsome Volume, bound in cloth - 7s. 6d. 

Ditto, full gilt cloth, with gilt edges - - 10s. 6d. 

CassclVs Illustrated Robinson Cricsoe. 

Beautifully Illustrated throughout : — 

Plain doth - - - - 7 s. 6d. 

Full gilt cloth, gilt edges - 10s. 6d. 

CassclVs Educator for the Young. 

Complete in One Volume, crown 4to, cloth boards 7s. 6d. 

The Royal Gallery of Kings and Qitecns. 

Embellished with Portraits of our English Sovereigns. 
Beautifully printed on Toned Paper, and very handsomely 
bound in cloth, crown 8vo - - - - 5s. 

The Family Picture History of England. 

From the Earliest Period to the Reign of Her Majesty 
Queen Victoria. Crown 4to, bound in embellished 
boards - - - - - - 3s. 6d. 

Bound in cloth, extra gilt - • -5s. 

I 



CASSELL'S SELECT BOOKS FOE YOUM PEOPLE. 



Mary Howitfs Illustrated Library for the Young. 

Each containing a variety of Interesting and Instructive 
Matter for Young People. Profusely Illustrated, in fancy 
boards, with plain Illustrations - - - 3s. 6d. 

( Two Volumes, each 0/ which is distinct from tlte other.) 

Famous Events in General History. 

Illustrated by a number of beautiful Engravings, and written 
with the special view to interest and instruct Young People. 
Crown 4to, in an embellished wrapper - - 3s. 6d. 

Bound in cloth, extra gilt - - "5 s - 

Remarkable Persons and Scenes of History. 

Illustrated throughout with full-page Illustrations. Fancy 
boards - - - - - "3 s - 6d. 

Bound in cloth, extra gilt - - - 5 s - 

The Bible Picture Story Book. 

Beautifully Illustrated throughout, and written in a simple 
style, to interest Children in Bible Narratives and Charac- 
ters. The Old Testament, crown 4to, in embellished 
boards - - - - - 3 s - 6d. 

Bound in cloth, extra gilt - - - 5 s - 

The Bible Picture Story Book. 

The New Testament, uniform with the above - 3s. 6d. 
Bound in cloth, extra gilt - - - 5 s - 

The Bible Picture Story Book. 

The Old and New Testaments together, in One hand- 
some Volume, bound in cloth gilt - - 7s. 6cL 
Fully coloured throughout - - - 15s. 



THREE SHILLING AND SIXPENNY 
SERIES. 

(Fifty -six different Vohimes in the Series.) 

Men who have Risen : A Book for Boys. Eight 

Illustrations. l2mo, cloth gilt - - - 3 s - 6d. 

Women of Worth: A Book for Girls. Eight 

Illustrations. i2mo, cloth gilt - - - 3s. 6d„ 

2 



CASSELL'S SELECT BOOKS FOE YOUNO PEOPLE. 



The Boy Crusaders. By the late J. G. Edgar, 

Author of "Boy Princes," &c. Eight Illustrations. i2mo, 
cloth gilt - - - - - - 3s. 6d. 

Friendly Hands and Kindly Words. Eight 

Illustrations. i2mo, cloth gilt - - - 3 s - 6d. 

Roses and Tlionis ; or, Tales of the Start in Life. 

Eight Illustrations. l2mo, cloth gilt - - 3s. 6d. 

The Sea and her Famous Sailors. Eight Illus- 
trations. l2mo, cloth gilt - - - 3s. 6d. 

ETC. ETC. ETC. 



TWO SHILLING AND SIXPENNY BOOKS. 



Tlie Little Warringtons. By Anna J. Buck- 
land. Eight Illustrations. i2mo, cloth gilt - 2s. 6d. 

Mammas New Bible Stories, from the Old and 

New Testaments. By Emily G. Nesbitt. Eight Illus- 
trations. i2mo, cloth gilt - - - 2s. 6d. 

Honu Sketches ; or, Who are the Happy Ones ? 

Eight Illustrations - - - - 2s. 6d. 

The Knights of the Red Cross: Seven Alle- 
gorical Stories. By Richard John Shields. Illustrated. 
i2mo, cloth gilt - - - - - 2s. 6d. 

The Story of A lice Cullis ; or, How to Win by 
Example. By Ellen Brown. With Eight Illustrations. 
i2mo, cloth gilt - - - - - 2s. 6d. 

The Piety of Daily Life : Illustrated in a Series 

of Tales and Sketches, chiefly designed for the Young. 
By Jane C. Simpson. Eight Illustrations. i2mo, cloth 
gilt - - - - - - 2s. 6d. 

Blanche Cleveland ; or, The Rain and Sunshine 

of Youth. By A. E. W. Eight Illustrations. i2mo, 
cloth gilt - - - - - - 2s. 6tL 



3 



OASSELL'S SELECT BOOKS POK YOUM PEOPLE, 



A Whiter and Summer at Burton Hall: A Chil- 
dren's Tale. Eight Illustrations. i2mo, cloth gilt 2s. 6d. 

The Children of Scripture. By the Author of 

"Chickseed without Chickweed," &c. &c., assisted by the 
Rev. T. Wilson. Bound in cloth, and Illustrated with 
Eight Coloured Plates - - - - 2s. 6d. 



TWO SHILLING BOOKS 



Agnes Selby : A Story for Children. By Lady 

Lushington. Six Illustrations. i8mo, cloth gilt - 2s. 

Elm Grange ; or, A Summer in the Country. 

By the Author of "In-Door Plants, and How to Grow 
Them." Six Illustrations. 1 8mo, cloth gilt - - 2s. 

The Story of Arthur Hunter and his First 
Shilling. With other Tales. By Mrs. Crowe, Author of 
"Susan Hopley." With Six Illustrations, by John Ab- 
solon, printed on Toned Paper. Foolscap 8vo, strongly 
bound in cloth, gilt edges - - - - 2s. 

Bible Stories : to which is added, Paul, the 
Martyr of Palestine. By Charlotte Elizabeth. With 
Six Illustrations, by William Harvey, printed on Toned 
Paper. Foolscap 8vo, strongly bound in cloth, gilt 
edges - - - - - - - 2s. 

The Mother's Fables. In Verse. By E. L. 

Aveline. To which is added (for the first time), "Tales 
and Fables in Verse," by the same Author. With Six 
Illustrations, by William Harvey, printed on Toned Paper. 
Foolscap 8vo, strongly bound in cloth, gilt edges - 2s. 

Philip and his Garden. With other Stories. 

By Charlotte Elizabeth. With Six Illustrations, by 
W. S, Coleman, printed on Toned Paper. Foolscap 8vo, 
strongly bound in cloth, gilt edges - - - 2s, 

The Laird's Return, and What Came of It. A 
Story for Young People. By Geraldine Stewart. SLt 
Illustrations. i8mo, cloth gilt - 2s, 



4 



CASSELL'3 SELECT BOOKS POK YOUNG PEOPLE. 



Happy Days at Fernbank. A Story for Little 

Girls. By EMMA Marshall. Six Illustrations. iSmo, 
cloth gilt - - - - - - 2s. 

Beatrice Langton ; or, The Spirit of Obedience. 
By Harriet Power. Six Illustrations. i8mo, cloth 
gilt - - - - - - - 2S. 

Peter Parley s Series of Popular Books. New 

Editions, elegantly bound in full gilt cloth, for Gift 
Books. Each - - - - - 2s. 

Persevere and Prosper; or, The Sable Hunters. 

Cheerful Cherry; or, Make the Best of It. 

Wit Bought ; or, The Adventures of Robert Merry. 

What to Do, and How to Do It. 

Inquisitive Jack and His Aunt Mary. 

Dick Boldhero in Search of His Uncle. 

Travels and Adventures of Thomas Trotter, as Told 

by Himself. 
Parley's Tales about Asia and Africa. 
Peter Parley's Tales about America and Australia. 

Edited by Rev. T. Wilson. 



EIGHTEEN PEN NY SERIES. 



A New and Attractive Series of Juvenile Books, each volume 
Illustrated with Coloured Engravings. SIXTEEN VARIETIES, 
uniform in size and style, i&wo, cloth, is. 6d. each. 

Ally and Iter Schoolfellow. A Tale for the 

Young. By Miss M. BETHAM-EDWARDS, Author of 
"Little Bird Red and Little Bird Blue," &c. 18010, 
doth - - - - - is. 6u. 

Loyal Charlie Bentham. By Mrs. WEBB. A 
True Story. Edited by L. Nugent. i8mo, cloth is. 6d. 

Simple Stories for Children. By MARY E. 

Mills. iSmo, cloth - - - * is. 61 1. 
etc. etc. etc. 
5 



OASSELL'S SELECT BOOKS POE YOUNG- PEOPLE. 



O .A- SSELL'S 

SHILLIN G STORY BOOKS. 

i. 

THE EL CHESTER COLLEGE BOYS. 
By Mrs. Henry Wood. 

And other Tales - - - - - -is. 

EL 

THE DELFT JUG. 

By SlLVERPEN. 
And other Tales - - - - - -is. 

in. 

MY FIRST CRUISE, 
By W. H. Kingston. 

And other Tales - - - - - -is. 

IV. 

LITTLE LIZZIE. 
By Mary Gillies. 

And other Tales • - - - - - - is. 

v. 

LUKE BARNICOTT. 
By William Howitt. 

And other Tales - - - - - -is. 

VI. 

THE SECRET SOCIETY. 
By Mrs. De Morgan. 

And other Tales - - - - - -is. 

VII. 

THE BOAT CLUB. 
By Oliver Optic. 

And other Tales - - - - - -is. 

VIII. 

THE LITTLE PEACEMAKER. 
By Mary Howitt. 

And other Tales - - - - -is. 

6 



CASSELL'S SELECT BOOKS TOR YOUNG PEOPLE. 



BOOKS FOR CHILDREN. 



Little Songs for Me to Sing. Illustrated by 

J. E. Millais, R.A. ; with Music composed expressly for 
the Work by Henry Leslie. Square crown - - 6-. 

Dedicated, by Express Permission, to II. R. H. the. Princess 
of Wales. 

CasselVs Picture Book for the Nursery. Royal 

4to size, full of Illustrations, with appropriate Text for 
Young Children. Bound in embellished boards - 5s. 
Or bound in cloth, with coloured and enamelled centre- 
piece - - - - - 6s. 

Dame Dingle's Fairy Talcs for Good Children. 
Handsomely bound in cloth, with gilt edges - - 5s. 

Jingles and Jokes for Little Folks. By TOM 

Hood. Illustrated with Original Drawings by Bennett, 
Moiten, Brunton, and Paul Gray. Square crown, cloth, 5s. 

The Children s Garden, and J That they Made 
of It. By Agnes and Maria E. CATLOW. With several 
Illustrations. Square cloth - - - 3s. 6d. 

Dedicated to tJtc Princess Beat nee. 



CASSELL'S FAIRY STORY BOOKS. 

Coloured, Sixpence each ; Mounted on Linen, One Shilling. 



The New Little Red Riding Hood. 

Aladdin ; or, The Wonderful Lamp. 

The History of Tommy Thumb. 

Cinderella ; or, The Little Glass Slipper. 

Jack and the Beanstalk. 

Old Mother Hubbard. 

Cock Robin. 

The Three Bears. 

Whittington and His Cat. 

Jack the Giant Killer. 

"etc. etc. etc. 



OASSELL'S SELECT BOOKS TOR YOUNG PEOPLE. 



O -A- SSELL'S 

CHILDREN'S PICTURE BOOKS. 

Sixpence, Plain ; Coloured, One Shilling. 



These books are got up in a superior manner, and are 
designed to form one of the most pleasurable and instruc- 
tive series of Children's Books extant. 

The following have already appeared, and additions 
are constantly being made : — 



1. All about Houses. 

2. A Trip up the Mountain. 

3. Serpents ; and how they are 

Charmed. 

4. Water Birds. 

5. Monkeys and their Frolics. 

6. Wild Beasts of the Forest. 

7. Our Pretty Butterflies. 

8. Shells and Corals. 



9. China and the Chinese. 
10. Household Pets. 
it. Bruin the Bear. 

12. Our Friend the Dog. 

13. A Peep at the Insects. 

14. ABC of Birds. 

15. ABC of Beasts. 

16. The London Alphabet. 



BIBLE STORIES. 



1. The Creation, the Fall, and 

the Flood. 

2. Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. 

3. The Story of Joseph. 

4. Moses and the Israelites. 

5. Joshua and the Judges. 

6. The Three Kings— Saul, David, 

and Solomon. 



7. The Story of the Life of Jesus. 

8. The Book of Miracles. 

9. The Story of the Death of 

Jesus. 

10. The Book of Parables. 

11. The Story of Simon Peter. 

12. The Story of the Apostle Paul. 



HISTORICAL STORIES. 



1. The Early ^ Britons and their 

Saxon Kings. 

2. King Canute, William the 

Conqueror, &c. 
•3. Richard the Lion-hearted and 
his Successors. 

4. Henry V. and his Battles 

against the French. 

5. King Henry VIII. and his 

Daughters Mary and FJ,iza- 

beth - - Wir*** 
rf T? ' -'Etc, 



Sovereigns of England from 

James I. to Victoria. 
King Pepin's Fight with Wild 

Beasts, &c. 
Famous People of the Middle 

Ages. 
Famous Discoverers. 
Good Queen Bess and her 

Times. 
Napoleon Buonaparte. 
Celebrated Warriors. 



m* Catalogues on Application. 



LONDON AND NEW YORK: 
CASSELL, PETTERj AND GALPIN. 



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